Articles

Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #14

August 27, 2019


*Birds chirping* *Crochet clicking* *Solemn music* Hey, honey? Hmm? Can we talk? Sure! What’s up? I was just thinking, and, uh… Do you WANNA have kids? Oh-! Where did THIS come from? What’s on your mind? I was just thinking, I guess. We’re at that age where we should come to a decision, right? *Sigh* Right. I agree. I mean… Do you… WANT kids? I don’t know. I mean on one hand, kids are such a handful but… But they can also be, like, the most important thing in a parent’s life! Right! That’s EXACTLY what I was about to say! Then again, the world is crazy out there. Heh heh. You can say that again. With everything going on, it’s a dangerous world out there. It’s true! Plus, if we didn’t have kids… you and I could focus on our goals and… each other! Do you think we’re… you know… ready? To be honest… I don’t think so. *Sigh* Yeah. You’re right. Maybe we SHOULDN’T have kids. Yeah like we’d make good parents anyway. We are WAY too irresponsible. We could never be good parents! Not with the way YOU drink! Heh, heh, exactly. So, it’s decided then? Yeah. Yeah, I guess it’s decided. We don’t want kids. [Music stops] Alright! You heard her! Get the FUCK outta here on the double! *Ball bounces away* *kazoo outro music* Hey, sweetie? Do you think we’re ready for a dog? *Whines* *burp sound* *Ominous music* Sealing outer hole. Begin pressurisation procedure. Captain, we gotta problem, we’re taking on SPACE! We gotta plug that hole, men! Or else this vessel will fill with space, and drag us down to David Bowie’s Locker! I’ve got this! *EXPLOSION* Bensen, you gotta stay afloat, grab onto THIS! *Cue Action Music* Alright men, this cabin is nearly half full with space, and we don’t have much time! We gotta bail some of this space out, if we’re gonna have any chance at all. It’s no use, the space is rushing in faster than we can bail. I can’t just stay here and drown! I’m gonna swim for it! I’ll get help! *jetpack sound* I’ll come back for you, I’ll bring help! *Explosion* *motor sound* The motor is dead, captain! We’re never gonna get to Mars at this rate! Yes we are, goddammit! Now get out the oars and row! Row up! Row to Mars! *papers rustling* Oh, shit! *kazoo outro music* *Fires Flare* Huh! *oars swinging in the air* *gunshot?* *piano music* *thud, thump* Hmm? Good Lord! That gives me a great idea! *rapid steps* *THUD, Robert Hooke grunts softly* *kazoo outro music* Hmm… How am I going to create my legacy? *mechanical thud* *small fart noise* How about we take this upstairs instead? Yeah. Let’s go. Is this more of what you had in mind? This isn’t even my house! Okay, breath in. It’s the craziest thing, doc… and out. I put a mouse up my arse Y’know and it kinda how it feels good? and in again. But after a few minutes he stopped scrambling around so I sent my cat in after him. Aaaaaaaand out. So an hour goes by and my cat’s still up there and I start to get worried I mean one more dead mouse in my butt that’s no big deal but that cat *god* I love that little guy plus he is technically my mum’s cat, so… Look over my left shoulder. so I offered to take my neighbours’s dog for a walk Aaaand once more over my right shoulder so I put a few slices of ham and some spicy mustard on the ole bee hole and sure as shootin’ he took the bait. Now I want you to follow the light I was hoping the dog would like cause a ruckus and scare my cat into coming out.. no such luck. He was up there going bonkers for what seemed like hours but.. no cat! Anyway my neighbour kept asking for his dog back and I was running out of excuses so… Let me get a look in those ears. that’s when I called animal control. Well, two of their best guys went in the ole back door around dinner time and since then I haven’t heard as much as a peep. Which makes me worried about the chicks I put up there earlier. I mean the baby chickens not three hot girls. So what seems to be the problem? Oh, I got a little uhh tickle on my throat. Here’s a prescription for some cough drops. Thanks, doc! *Muffled screaming, meowing, barking* Okay, love! Here it comes! Count to three and hold your breath! One! Two! Three! *Glurp* Ugh! In your own words.. tell us your story, Rose. Take us back. I met the love of my life on that vessel. A young boy by the name of Jack. I beat that bitch 52-2! Okay, listen up, kids. Today we’re going to be doing an obstacle course! Now, we’re all gonna take turns, alright? *chuckles* What’s so funny, Brian? I think Susan should go first! Brian! That is not No, it’s fine. I’ll go first. No, Susi you don’t have to! I got this. *sigh* There! I win first. Oh- Oh yeah? Well- well watch this! I’m sorry You’ll never walk again. Oh man.. *sob* *laugh* His legs don’t work no more! This won’t hurt a bit. Almost there.. And that should do it. Back on your own two legs. So to speak. I don’t know, it seems a little… Outdated? Nonsense! That’s the finest mahogany, double coated with sealant, guaranteed against termites for five years! Well… okay, I guess. Off you go! I don’t know, doc this just seems a little extreme for a broken bone. Well, you should’ve told me that before you gained consciousness. It’s a little too late now. I… This is real old world craftsmenship, pal. Now get out of here, buddy. Go enjoy your new legs! There you go! Right as rain! Some of my best work if I do say so myself. I… I…can’t live like this, doctor! I just can’t. I can’t do it! There is another option. I have to be honest with you. What I’m about to suggest isn’t legal in this state and I could lose my medical license or even go to prison. But I believe no one should have to suffer. Please, doctor… anything. Who’s next? You can do it, daddy! Thanks, lil’ hotshot. Clive, be careful out there. Killgore’s the deadliest bull out since Tokyo Pete in ’91. Don’t worry, doll. Nothing I can’t handle. Bull ridin’ is what I do. Introducing six time bull ridin’ champion and devoted father and husband; Clive Mcflogin! And our bull for tonight weighing in at three tons of girth, muscle invalid; Killgore! He’s alive miraculously. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to- ma’am? Ma’am, please no! And what can I get for you, sir? Straight coffee, and make it quick! I’m sorry? Ahh, excuse me, I can be a real JERK until I’ve had my coffee. Nobody move! I said nobody fucking move or I’ll fu*king end you! Put it all in the bag! Now! I said now! Do it! No, no, no, no, no! The beans! Put all the beans in the bag! I’m sorry. I can be a real jerk until I get my coffee. I need that coffee, shit for brains! I need it! Hey! Uhm, do you guys need your morning coffee? No thanks! We already got ours! Hey, teach. Get the molasses out of your ass and bring me that juice, will ya? You one mile an hour, walking, no-runnin’ ass, feet draggin’ turtle, son of a bitch! Now, Rudy. You can’t go your entire life insulting people like that. The hell I can’t, you bitch-ass, toupee-wearin’, fisheye’d, two year college degree earnin’, no wife n’ kids havin’, mustard stain on his shirt, kindergarden teachin’ ass, diploma handin’, dress wearin’, funny hat-ass, first generation of your family to graduate college-ass, love at first sight ass, three sugars, two creams in a coffee, first date having, romantically compatible-ass, independent woman, big titty, make me the happiest man in the world ass, love of my life-ass, til death do us part, I do, vow n’ ring wearin’, tiny embryonic-ass, no finger prints havin’, third trimester, son of a- beautiful ass, umbilical cord cuttin’, little dick havin’, bitch-ass, no baseball catchin’, suma cumlaude, straight A’s, makin’ me proud-ass, cats in the cradle ass, first grandchild-ass, life begets life-ass, diaper full of shit stinkin’ hurtin’ ass, surrounded by loved ones ass, wouldn’t change a goddamn thing, makin’ me cry-ass, motherfucking ready for death-ass, me… Shit… Wow, I can’t believe he actually did it. He was rude his whole life. Did you know my grandpa? He called me a bitch. Weird, senile-ass, prune juice drinkin’-ass mustard stain on his shirt, Ah, grave’s all ready sir. Great! Disrespectful orange pickin’-ass, grave defilin’-

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