Flying with Paul Giamatti & Tom Selleck (feat. Judd Apatow & Pete Holmes) – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser
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Flying with Paul Giamatti & Tom Selleck (feat. Judd Apatow & Pete Holmes) – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

January 19, 2020

– Have you ever done
crowd work and realized in the middle that the
guy is with a prostitute? – No, really? – I have, I’ve been like,
“Hello, sir. “That’s your date? “She’s looking sparkly. “What’s your name? (laughing) “Mercedes? “Wait a minute. “I’m moving on.” (laughing) (energetic rock music) – [Nikki] Whoa! – ‘Cause what do you do? I’ve also done crowd work
to a pregnant woman smoking way before I had, you know, any
authority. You gotta be the headliner
to tackle that one. – Oh yeah. – The opener can’t be like,
“Hello. “You’re giving your fetus
emphysema. “Let’s get this show going!” – [Nikki] Where were you? – “Doctor Demento!” (laughing) Milwaukee. – And they were smoking? First of all, they are smoking
inside. – It was… Yeah, I mean
I’ve been doing comedy. So have you right? – [Nikki] Yeah. – I mean you’ve done comedy long
enough for the smoking inside. – [Nikki] Yeah. – Remember when people
would blow smoke at you? – [Nikki] Ugh. – That was my least favorite
hell. – Oh, when I used to host at the
Improv, so this is like 1989, and
you could smoke there, and I would be there from eight
o’clock until 1:30 in the morning,
and I would come home, and it was like I had
five packs of cigarettes. – That’s a great Seinfeld joke,
too. He goes like, “I secondhand
smoked five packs a day”. Because of, I don’t know if he
had five, but it was essentially five. – I sit next to someone on a
plane that has smoked, and it’s on
their jacket, and I’m coughing. – Do you want to get real fancy
pants? – [Nikki] Yeah. – If a makeup artist smokes, – [Nikki] Oh nope. – [Judd] Yeah. – And here come their yellow tar
fingers right to your eyeball, and
you’re like, “I don’t want to go to
flavor country right now.” (laughing) “Thank you very kindly.” I don’t know what that voice is. – And they get so mad if you
said, “Can you wash your hands? “They’re kind of stinky.” – Oh, sure. – Enjoy the next 40 minutes of
that. – Yeah, I’d rather they just
ate like a sauerkraut sandwich. – Absolutely. It’s so gross, and I can’t believe we all put
up with it for so long. – I know. Dude, I worked at Bennigan’s. We used to work in the smoking
section. The Monte Cristo’s
already going to kill you. Do you have to send a pack
of Kools in chasing after. (laughing) – I love the concept
of the smoking section like the smoke didn’t reach
the non-smoking section. – It’s like the air section. “Can I be in the oxygen
section?” “Well, there’s oxygen
coming from over there.” – I remember smoking on the
plane. – Really? – I remember being a kid. – Did you ever smoke, Judd? – You know, my mom, when I
was a kid, gave me five bucks to not smoke when I
was like six years old, and for some reason, I
felt like I needed to honor that agreement. – That almost just made me tear
up. I don’t know why. That is so sweet because
that does do something to you as a kid. “I’m being paid– – It’s your job. – “For this promise I’m making.” And $5 as a kid is a lot. That’s a great system. – And she struggled to
quit smoking always. She went to this thing when I
was a kid called Smoke Enders. – My mom went to Smoke Enders. – [Judd] Really? – Yeah, it worked. – One of the things, she’d get a
little like a glass thing, and she would put all her
cigarette butts in it, and there was water in it, and it stunk. – Yeah.
– Ugh. – And then she would
have to try to sniff it before she decided to smoke to be disgusted by it. – Great idea.
– That is a great idea. – None of it ever worked. – It didn’t? – No. Oh, never. – It didn’t take.
– She kept smoking? – She kept smoking – Yeah.
– Wow. She was a Smoke Ender ender. – [Judd] All the way to the end. – Wow. – She was a smoke end? – Smoke Ender ender. Look, I don’t smoke, but
if I could go back in time and light up a cigarette on an
airplane, I would fucking do it. (laughing) – [Nikki] I mean. – I would do it. I would get up just like a man
in the 70s. I’d unbuckle my pants. Just for the relaxation. – Yeah. – Just to kind of let it flap. Smoke a cigarette. Call the stewardess sweetheart. Come on! (laughing) – There was like a smoking
section. Usually, it was like
the back of the plane, and they’d have like a little
curtain. – Really? – And the assumption that the
smoke wasn’t going to just be in the entire cylinder.
– The lungs of the plane. Oh, gross. But I bet when they smoke in
first class. You can’t have a little
section in the back and not have the primos in the
front. – I bet you they had like
half of first class smoking and half of coach smoking, but it was all ridiculous. – How could you sleep
if they guy next to you was just sucking down a Marlboro
Light? – Because it was everywhere. – [Pete] Yeah, you’re right. – It was everywhere. – [Pete] You’re right. – I grew up with parents
who smoked inside, and I had chronic sinus
infections as a kid. I had like a line in my nose
from always going like this all the time. – [Pete] Oh, no. – Just one of those kids
that was just constantly, and we go, “What is going on? “What are her allergies?” It turns out smoking – Yeah.
– Yeah, of course. – Duh.
– Cut to me cascading my baby with a humidifier that
looks like an elephant. Like we’ve changed so much. – I know, we’ve changed. – Like the idea of being
like, “Hey, Duncan! “Get over here. “Bring the ashtray.” Like your little five year old. “Stay here. “Daddy’s ashing.” – And you feel like a, you know. I’m 34. It wasn’t like I was a
kid in the 50s when it was (laughing) they just beat you and blew
smoke. – “This wasn’t in the 50s.”
– My parents knew better. My parents are progressive.
– “I wasn’t working “at the GM plant.” – Yeah, but still, there
were just egregious mistakes being made as parents that
they didn’t know any better. – [Pete] I know, I know. – My wife was just on a plane, and she said she was sitting
across from a rabbi who was vaping. (laughing) – [Pete] The vaping. – On the plane. – Matisyahu was on your plane. (laughing) – No way? Really? – Although this was a weird
story that’s not fully related, but my daughter, Maude, was on a
plane, and she was like, “I was
sitting next to this guy, “and like everyone kept walking
up to him, “and asking for his autograph, “and I didn’t know who it was. “Who’s Mr. T?” – Hilarious. (laughing) Hilarious. One of the easiest autographs by
the way. Three letters. – Oh, yeah. – And you don’t use that period. Just like You Up. No punctuation. “Where we’re going, you
don’t need punctuation.” – Who’s the most famous people
you’ve been on airplanes with? – [Nikki] Oh, great question. – You know I have a good one
about this because I got on a plane, and Paul Giamatti got on. “How bout billions, billions,
billions?” – [Judd] Oh, nice. – And he sat right next to me, then ten minutes later,
Tom Selleck got on. – Wow. – So I’m looking at it. He smells like leather and
burgundy. And I lean over to Paul
Giamatti, and I go, “I’m so sorry. “I never do this. “Is that Tom Selleck?” (laughing) – Did he laugh? – Did he love it? – “A cha cha.” He did his– – Are you the guy who
will talk to Paul Giamatti when he sits next to you? – No. You know, I feel bad, but
that story is not true. Everything except what I said is
not true. – Oh, my God. You bastard. – Oh, no. – I sat behind Nancy Reagan once on a plane.
– I appreciate your– – But I will tell you what was true.
– Oh, Nancy Reagan. – The reason I confessed it
wasn’t true was because I was like I was so
determined not to talk to Paul Giamatti
even though Crashing season 3, January
20, shoots on the same stage as Billions, and we have
a lot of the same crew. So I knew I had an in. – You had an in. – But guess who has restraint? I don’t eat cookies after nine, and I don’t bother Giamatti. (laughing) – I was on a plane with Alan
Thicke once, and there was an enormous
amount of turbulence, and I thought, “I don’t
think I’m going to die “with Alan Thicke.” (laughing) – And then I wasn’t nervous. I’m like, “It’s not going
to happen with Alan Thicke.” – That’s funny. – You just had a feeling that that’s not how you’re going
down. – Tarantino had that on a
turbulent plane, and he was writing Pulp Fiction. He goes, “I haven’t finished my
movie.” – I was on a plane when I was
a kid with Freddie Prinze. – Junior?
– Wow. – No, the original. – Did he have a baby with him
though? That could have been– – Was he smoking with unbuckled
pants? (laughing) “Hey, sweetheart.” He calls you sweetheart. “Hey, sweetheart. “You a fan?” – Freddie Prinze. And I mean as like a
huge comedy fan early on, were you freaking out? Did you go up to him? – Oh, yeah. I was little, but he
was a giant star then. And there’s an episode of
Crashing that we ended with the
theme to Chico and the Man, and it’s my favorite
music cue I’ve ever put. – Really? – In anything. – [Nikki] Oh, that’s great. – And for some reason,
it’s just so perfect at the end of the episode. – Do you guys struggle
with turbulence still with all the traveling you do? – Yeah. I was on a plane. I think we’re going to crash
every time. I was recently on a plane, and there was all this
turbulence. We were in first class
because HBO was flying us out. It was really fancy and nice, and the guy next to me, I was trying to be good. They kept offering us
like ice cream sundaes and liquor, and I was trying to
be good because we were about to shoot. I was like, “No, no, I’m good.” And the guy next to me,
I was hating this guy. Whenever I turned down
something, he would take mine. – He had double ice cream? – Yeah, so he had two ice
creams. He had two champagnes, then he got really drunk. Then he started watching
like Rampage or something. He reclined his seat before
takeoff. I don’t care for that. Above the rules. – No, I hate. I hate when you know someone’s
going to get told something, and you’re going to have to
witness it. – And he wasn’t because he was passed out
full of dairy and Dewar’s, and he’s just breathing in a way that I knew he had an apparatus
at home. (laughing) And it’s still turbulent. He doesn’t care. He’s passed out, and then he wakes up in
the middle of the flight, and unpauses Rampage with his
socked foot, and that’s when I went, “We can
crash. “I will happily die. “I will be the Jesus Christ of
this plane. “I will die so the world
doesn’t have to have this man.” – I feel that way so often. – Just the sound of
his sock on the screen. There for the next person. Smelling like a bowl
full of wet cigarettes. – [Nikki] Disgusting. (laughing) – That would have made
your mom stop smoking. This guy, unpausing. If he had handed your
mother with his socked foot, she wouldn’t smoke it. – My mom did eventually quit. She went to a nunnery to
like isolate and learn to quit smoking. – Wow. – And then she also read
the Allen Carr book, The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. – That’s a good one. Oh, wait. I just talked to (snapping) Why am I blanking on his last
name? Dan? – Soder.
– Soder. – Soder. So Soder told me about that
book. – I gave him that book. – I know. He told me yesterday. He was like you gave him that
book. I read a book called This Naked Mind The Easy
Way to Control Drinking, and it’s like Allen Carr, and I quit drinking. – Yes. I did, too. – I just go to hypnotists. (laughing) – [Nikki] Do you really? – I’m all about the hypnotists. – Do you really, Judd? – Oh, yeah. – [Pete] He goes to Dr. Demento. – Yeah. – What have you been hypnotized
about? – Everything. – What? – My personality. – Really? And it’s worked? – Food, anxiety, everything. – Food? – “People like your goofy face.” Like that sort of stuff? – Yeah, but he gets intense.
– It’s a call back. – He tries to scare you.
– It didn’t even work. – He’s like, “If you
could make a deal with God “and in that deal you would
never get sick “and you won’t die in a
hospital suffering in pain “from disease and all you
had to do was eat well, “would you make that deal?” (laughing) – Oh, boy. – And then I go straight to
Sprinkles. (laughing) – You’re having the
session in a Sprinkles. – I found that the only way
to not be afraid on the plane is when I get on, I accept my
own death. I swear. Every time we’re like– – Well, that’s a good rule for
life. – Yeah, I just go, “You know
what? “It was a good ride. “I think we did good.” And then we take off, and I go, “If there’s more,
there’s more.” – What’s funny is we’re afraid
of being on planes, right, because planes might crash, but we’re all stuck in these
planes. You know what I mean? – Yeah.
– Whoa. – You’re never not on a plane. Like this could have a failure. There’s just no engine light. – This could be hijacked. – This is actually a good point, making peace and living in the
present. I used to get on planes and go, it was actually a Bill
Cosby joke unfortunately. He used to say, “People.” I won’t do the voice. “are afraid to fly, but
when I get on a plane, “I don’t even hide it. “I just go, ‘Hope it don’t
crash!'” Right? So I used to get on planes. Obviously I’ve been on
thousands of planes, and I used to in my head
go, “Hope it don’t crash.” Just to make the same little
joke. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – And now I just go, “I’m
grateful for the present
moment.” And that really takes it away. (sighing) Because I’m on a plane right
now. There’s nothing to say,
“You can be scared, “or you can appreciate it.” I’m not trying to frighten
anyone. I’m trying to make your
breakfast taste better. You know what I mean? You’re only breakfast. – But I also think that
your body is so soft that sometimes I go, “It’s
just weird that more things don’t bump into it and just
cut off a huge hunk of it.” – I know. Like Play-Doh. Like the way that Play-Doh
can be cut with like knives, and their shape– – I thought you meant
like the philosopher. – Ha. – You’re whole life you’re just
trying not to get something to bump into you and like
lop off a hunk of your head. – [Nikki] Yeah, you’re right. – What if you go back to Ancient
Greece, and you’re like, “I’m looking
for Plato.” And they’re like, “Oh, over
here.” And they took you to a
room that’s just red clay. – I love the smell of fresh
Play-Doh. – [Pete] In the morning. – Okay, we’re doing– – Fresh Play-Doh in the morning. Fresh Play-Doh’s great. – You know what I would like to
request. – If my makeup artist played
with Play-Doh and did my makeup, it’d
be like, “Stay close. “You’re my childhood. “I love you. “Did you have a sauerkraut
sandwich with the other hand?” – She’s just taking Play-Doh
breaks. – OMG. Play-Doh cologne. Nikki! – Why not? – I just made a billion
dollar idea for us. Neither of us have to work ever
again. – I want new sneaker cologne. – Okay. They have that. Puff Daddy is definitely
wearing new sneaker cologne. I don’t know if it’s for sale, but he’s definitely. Turtle from Entourage is
definitely rubbing that on his butt. (swiping) (upbeat music)

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  1. I was raised by smoking parents along with my older brother and younger sister (neither of them have ever smoked). Hell, I smoked while in labor at the hospital in 1985 & 87…my kids are both healthy and we’re almost 8 lbs. I also smoked on a plane. I no longer smoke. Quit Oct 21, 2016. I want one every single day…still.

  2. A while back they added ingredients to Play-Doh to make it smell and taste worse so kids won't eat as much of it. I don't know, it just makes me sad.

  3. "let's make a radio show with the hole as the main person."
    "that sounds awful though…"
    "don't worry, we will have the greatest comedians on to drown it out."

  4. Can someone tell Nikki I want to give her a bear hug I heard the show from LA 01-23-19 where she's kinda broken up about her looks… she's a beautiful woman a hot comedian a great person and I don't know her but I agree with her that she is a really good friend which makes her way more beautiful from the inside out and she makes me piss me knickers almost every time love the show co-hosts and guests it's great keep destroying it 🤜🏾🤛🏾👊🏾🤙🏾👌🏾👍🏾👉🏾👈🏾 much love to all

  5. I don't get all this hate against Judd. Sure he ain't the greatest but I always felt like he is a genuinely sweet person with a lot of insecurities. It's not his fault that he's successful. Y'all are just jealous.

  6. Pete looks like the friendly yet simple uncle who works at McDonalds but when he opens his mouth, you realize just how insanely smart he is. And funny. I love anything he's in/on. 💙

  7. When our oldest daughter was born, we were allowed to smoke IN THE LABOR ROOM. She's a grandma now and we haven't smoked in decades.

  8. GODDAMN pete holmes is such a bitch sometimes. Judd: when I get on [a plane] I accept my own death. Pete: blah blah blah stale bill cosby joke, I'm grateful for the present moment. derp.

  9. WHy can't Pete Holmes be normal and just have a regular conversation……. drop the act Pete!!   Pete trying to be the main conversationalist here………. mistake………

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