Pewds: Here we go Jack: Don’t be Daddy, don’t be Daddy [Mark Laughs] Pewds: May the best baby kill themselves!! [Closed Captioning is provided by the YouTube Community] Mark: It’s probably just going to be Andrew’s gonna be the mysterious robo daddy.
Felix: Aw yeah. Mark: He’s just going to stand in the middle of the store.
Ken: I’m a baby! OH GOD!!! Jack: Oooooh yeahhhhh! Ken: HE! HAI! HEY! Pewds: We’re all babies!! Ken: BAEBY! Pewds: We’re all- (cut off by Mark)
Mark: Ahh.. Mark: I’ve got the hat and no sunglasses, that’s me Mark: wait! wait so if…?
Ken: I got the cowboy hat and sunglasses. Jack: I’m top hat baby.
Mark: If all of us… If all of us are the baby then… that means.
Ken: Andrew’s the dad!! Mark: Who the hell is Andrew? Mark: Oh there’s a garage! I didn’t know there was a garage Jack: And you can get in the car now! Mark: Oh.. why!? [Mark laughs] Ken: Can I drink the bleach? No, it’s empty. Did you drink all the bleach?!! Pewds: I drank all the bleach, baby. [Mark laughs] Mark: You’re supposed to share, dude, c’mon! Jack: Aw, I wanna drive the car! Get out! Ken: You look so gross right now. Mark: I can’t drive! Pewds: You look so gross! Fuck you! Mark: [talking to himself] Turn off parking break… Jack: You’ve got a key! Ken: What is this? Mark: [still talking to self] Move gear selector Pewds: Oh, dat ass! Jack: Ooh, that baby! Baby, what are you doing? Babyplier? Mark: [STILL talking to self] Press gas pedal I don’t know Jack: I can’t run fast! Egh! Mark: Apparently it needs… it needs a key.. maybe? Ken: Welcome to da toaster! Jack: I work the pedals, you work the.. the stick Mark: Are you even in here? Jack: I’m right beside ya! Mark: Oh there you are! Ohhh. Ok. Pewds: Hey, there’s some more bleach here buddy! Ken: Alright!
Jack: I pressed the gas pedal! I pressed the gas pedal, it didn’t do anything Ken: Dude!!
Mark: Yeah, we need a key for the ignition. Ken: Dayuuumn look at this toaster! Mark: So there’s gotta be like a key [Mark laughs] Mark: I can… I can douse my body in gasoline Jack: WHAT?! Mark: I doused my tender body in gasoline
Jack: Stop it babeh! Jack: Jesus! Ken: My tender… baby body Jack: Oo~oh! I found some trash
Mark: So if I go into the oven am I just gonna co-? I’m gonna burst in the flames here Pewds: I see you, Mark [laughs] Mark: Am I dre- [laughs] nched in gasoline? Mark: Can someone turn this on, here? Pewds: I – yeah you look like you’re drenched in gasoline Pewds: Don’t Mark: Well Jack: Can I turn on a fire somewhere and burn you? Pewds: Don’t turn on any fires! Jack: Aw, I wanna burn Mark to death!
[Mark laughs] Mark: Where is there fire? I wanna be lit on fire Jack: Oh! Th – the stove! Ken: I think I died?
Mark: I tried it, I went in the oven it didn’t work
Pewds: [laughing] I died! Jack: Aw man! Ken: Oh. I’m very… green Jack: Oh! I found a key! Mark: I’m coming back.. Are you both dead? Pewds: Yep Ken: Yeaahhh… Mark: What- Ken: We drank some bleach.
Mark: Oh geez man! Pewds: Don’t drink bleach, kids. Mark: You’re not built to last Jack: Get in! Mark: I’m getting there, I ran out of sprint Pewds: I mean there’s nothing to kill you in the game but yourself… Like.. Mark: Okay
Jack: Here we go! Mark: I’m ready Jack: Use car key in ignition Mark: Alright Mark: Okay, there we go Pewds: Wait, you’re gonna drive the car and we don’t see it?! Mark: [talking to self] Parking break off Mark: Move- WOAHH OH HO HO HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Pewds: What the fuck just happened?! Pewds: What just happened?
Jack: We crashed and died! Yaaay! Ken: Uhh… Yayyy Pewds: Good Job. Ken: What am I supposed to do? I have no idea. Jack: Stop us from killing ourselves.
Mark: Just stop us Pewds: Oh God, the beginning is worse!
Mark: Stop us whatever it takes Jack: Yeah, when you see the lips– Hello Dad!!!! Ken: Hey! Mark: You will never stop me! Jack: Get him! Kill Daddy!
[Mark laughs] Ken: Who’s that?! No! You can’t have that!!! Jack: I’m going to drive the car!
Pewds: This is Attack on the Titan!! Mark: Jesus! Ken: You’re not allowed to drive the car! Ken: Oh god.. the pictures are going to fall off the walls
[Jack: Badly whistling the Attack on Titan opening] Babies! Babies. Please..! Mark: Yeah?
Pewds: Shut up! Ken: Who dressed you?! Mark: “Shut up, Dad!” Jack: Shut up, Dad! Mark: YOU did, Dad! We learned it from watching YOOOU! Ken: I’m going to pick these babies up Jack: I’m gonna beat the shit out of dad with a hammer! Ken: AHH!!! [Mark laughs]
Ken: Gimme that hammer! Jack: Nooo!!!! Die!!!! Ken: Baseball Cap Baby what are you doing? Mark: No! No no, no, nothing! Nothing! NOT drowning myself in the toilet! Ken: In the pooper?! [Mark laughs]
Jack: Where are you, Daddy…? Jack: I ca — oh God —
Ken: Get outta the tub! Mark: No!
Jack: I broke the game! Jack: I can’t move! Fuck! Mark: Aw, c’mon Dad. I need a bath
[Ken laughs] Mark: Dad! Jack: Oh man! Ken: Mark-baby! Mark: [Makes burbling drowning sound] Pewds: Stop making Mark kill himself! Ken: He’s so thirsty! Mark: OOoOOo~!! Pewds: Oh noooooo!
[Mark laughs] Mark: I just want a bath! Jack: What are you guys are doing to each other?!
Pewds: Oh my God! Mark: I just want a bath! Let me get clean! Mark: I’m a dirty baby! Mark: I’m a dirty baby Jack: Who’s a dirty baby? Ken: Dammit! Jack: Get away from me, Daddy! Mark: This is how this works
[Mark laughs] [Ken Laughs] Jack: Oh we’re drowning!
Pewds: You’re becoming.. pink Pewds: Yeh Yeh, we’re… drowning. Yeah. Mark: It’s almost there Ken: Before we had Jack-Baby with his hammer Pewds: Don’t drop the soap Daddy! Ken: You know what?! I’m gonna take a, take a.. take a shit while you, over there are drowning yourselves… [Pewds makes drowning noises] Ken: You guys are enjoying the bath, babies? Ken: Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!!
Mark: [laughing] This is a great bath, Daddy! Mark: ARRGH!! Ken: AAHH, NOOO!!!! MY BABIES!
Jack: AAARRGGAAHH! Mark: [laughing]
Pewds: [more drowning noises] Ken: [crying] NOOOO!!
Jack: I got a fork, Daddy… and I’m not afraid to use it! Pewds: OH MY GOD, I DROWNED! What the fuck? You didn’t save me? whats wrong with you?!?!! [Mark laughs] Ken: Jack! You didn’t see ANYTHING! Ken: Don’t tell your mom! Jack: Wha-What did you do Daddy?!?! Mark: Oh! wait, I can see my body now Ken: I got it I got it… Who’s tha- Jack: Fuck you. Fuck you, Daddy! Jack: AHH!!! Pewds: No! [Mark laughs]
Ken: Oh… you’re so.. Ken: You’re so black now! Ken: God damn these babies! Pewds: Are you a dad? Ken: Yeah! It’s really hard to freakin’ stop… But I couldn’t leave Mark alone. He would die! [Mark laughs] Ken: Wait, wait…Wh- [bursts out laughing] What is THAT? Is that a bong?! Pewds: SHOOT HERR!!
Mark: [To Ken] No?! [Everyone laughs and screams and freaks out] Jack: Shoooot heeer!
Ken: Gimme dat! Mark: Where’s the dildo? I need the dildo. Jack: There’s a dildo?!? Ken: Wa-Wait! That’s your mom’s drawer! Get out of that! Mark: No no no no no no, c’mon, c’mon c’mon. Ken: OH GOD! There is, there IS a dildo in this drawer… Mark: I know! There IS a dildo in there.
Ken: How’d THAT get there? [Mark laughs] Pewds: Daddy! I feel sick! Pewds: Dad!
Mark: Oh! Jack: I see the light Daddy!
Pewds: Ahhhh~ Mark: Uh oh… Pewds: Daddy! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! [Mark laughs] Ken: Come back, Baby! Pewds: Give it to me…
Ken: You like that? Yeah, you like that?
Mark: Bad baby! Bad baby! Pewds: [In demon voice] I LIKE IT. Jack: I don’t like whats going on right now Ken: Wait, where did the other babies go? Mark: We’re having some baby time in the bedroom
Ken: Ah! AH! Where did you come from? Jack [singing]: ♪ Where did you go, where did you come from… ♪ [Mark makes a growling sound] [Ken screams then starts to laugh]
[Mark and Jack laugh] Jack: All I can see is Ken and a dildo through the window
[All laugh some more] [Mark laughs] Jack: ♪ Dildo~! ♪ Ken: Jack! You don’t, you don’t want to see this! Oh God I dropped it! Ken: Mark’s getting away!! Mark: Oh No! No! I’m just gonna go play! Don’t mind me! Ken: Why cant I move?! I’m like My head’s like… jerking through the screen! Jack: Oh yeah what the fuck is going on? [Mark laughs] Ken: I really am glitched Ken: There’s like- Mark, what are you doing in the kitchen? Mark: Nothing! Nothing I-I’m working on something just ‘cuz my body is DOUSED in gasoline Wa-wait, pick me up and hold me over the candle Just, just to see- DAMMIT! NOOO!!! [Everyone laughs] Jack: Ken’s a terrible dad! Mark: Yeah, we, we need a new daddy Ken: You trying to get to this gasoline over here? Mark: No!
*Ken, pewds laughs* Mark: Ah! It’s broken
Pewds: What a dick dad Pewds: I got it! Oh no, I DRANK the gasoline dammit!
[Mark laughs] Mark: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Ken: You such a good babies Mark: I know, We know
Jack: The car’s ready to go! Everybody in! Pewds: I’m coming! I’m coming
Mark: Uh! Hang on! Mark: Wha…Hang on!
Ken:You guy wanna huff some paint also with your gas? Pewds: I’ll drive! Pewds: Thanks Ken: Alright babies!
Jack: Mark! Where are you? Ken: [Slurred] “Hey i’m drunk; take me to the store!” [Mark laughs]
Jack: You’re too late Mark! The car’s leaving without you!
Mark: I…I’m coming! Jack: GET IN!
Mark: I’m try to get on…I’m stuck on the grill Pewds: Did you get in the car Ken? Ken: Alright Babies! Let’s go!
Jack: Imma kill us all!
Mark: Wait! hang on [Car crashes]
Mark: No! Ah! I got crushed under the wheel! [Everyone laughs and chatters] Mark: Dammit [Everyone Screams] Jack: When I close this door, I better not hear any shit! [Mark, Felix, & Ken make fart sounds] Jack: [Sarcastically] Oh, very fucking clever! [Mark & Ken laugh] Ken: Aaah, he’s back! Mark: Hang on, I know how to…There’s a vent up here… Jack: You guys know I can crush a baby’s skull with my bare hands? Mark: No, that’s MY move! Mark: That’s my signature sex move Jack: What’re you guys doing?
Mark: AHA!!!!! Whoa….I FOUND THE TASER!!! Jack: Oh-ho-HO… Jack: Where’d the other fuckin’ baby go —
Mark: Now, I’m gonna come…I’m gonna come to — Jack: No! No! No, Baby!
Mark: Ah…ha. Hi, Daddy. *laughs* Hi, Daddy! Mark: Hi, Daddy!
Jack: Okay, okay, okay…Baby, we’re all — we’re all friends here… Jack: Put…the TASER…DOWN! [Mark snarls fiercely] Jack: NO! AAAAAH!
Mark: *laughing* Jack: *incoherent babbling*
Mark: Hey! Hey, hey, fellow babies! Check out Daddy! Mark: Daddy’s doing a dance! Pewds: Wait, shoot ME. Mark [laughing]: I don’t have a TASER left! Pewds: Aw, shit. Mark: I’m all outta TASE juice. Jack: Babyplier! Where are you? Mark: Nowhere. I’m just relaxing. In the sensual room. Mark: Uh — DAMMIT! Jack: Yeah!
Ken: What? Pewds: WHAT? Jack: Best Daddy ever! Mark: None of us died! How did none of us die? Ken: What the hell happened? Jack: You guys suck! You spent all your fucking thing trying to kill ME! Mark: Whatever. *I* was trying to burn myself alive! Jack: You’re a terrible…suicider, then. Mark: Awwww. I try my best. Jack: Is that a thing? Ken: I will kill myself so hard… [Mark laughs] Mark: Daddy, look. I can fly. You wanna see? Mark: I can fly.
Jack: Show me. Mark: HAAAAAAAA! Mark: Did you see it? Jack: You are SUCH a fucking disappointment. Mark: Ohhh. [laughs]
[Pewds laughs] Ken: That was AWESOME!
Mark: Thanks. Thanks, Brother! Jack: No, no, no…Babyplier, NO!
Mark: How did you meet me in h — NO, the ba- [stammers] Jack: No! No!
Mark: Baby wants his juice! Mark: His gasoline juice! Jack: You want your juice box?
Ken: THE JUUUICE! You must spray the juice! Pewds: I’m gonna spray ya, Baby!
Ken: YEAAAAH! Mark: Please. Pleeease.
[loud sexual noises from Ken and Pewds] Jack: What are you guys up to?
Mark: Oh…Oh, geez… Mark: Please. Please?
Jack: No! I’m making a last stand! Mark: Okay, I — God! That was…Thank you, Daddy!
Jack: Oh shit… Jack: No, no, no, no!
Mark [laughing]: That’s all I needed! Ken: We’re huffing it! Jack: Can I burn you?
Ken: Wait… Ken: Dammit, I ran out…
Jack: What’re you guys doing? Mark: Hey, who turned on the dryer? Mark: Burn me! [loud screaming and laughing from everyone] Pewds: BABYPLIER!!! D: Ken: Put ‘im out with a fire extinguisher! Mark: Oh God…AAAAAH- Mark: -bleh. Jack: You burned them ALL! [Mark laughs]
Pewds: Baby Wins! Jack: What the FUCK? [Mark and Pewds laugh]
Jack: That was TERRIFYING! Ken: Mark, you wanna be Dad? Mark: Yeah, I’ll be Dad. Mark: I’ll be da BEST Dad! Mark: You goddamn kids choke on these balls! Mark: Dammit! In the vent!? [laughter from the others]
Mark: Oh, fuck off! Where’d you go? Mark: Where’d you little bastards go? Jack: We got this! Mark: Where? Where are you? Mark: WHERE ARE YOU? Jack: Escape from Dadiplier!
Mark: NOOOOO! Ken: Yeaaaah! Mark: No, no dousing yourself in fire this time! Mark: Where’s the Grabber-Dick? Mark: Er, Grabber doodad.
Pewds: Grabber-WHAT? Mark [laughing]: The Grabber-Dick. You know what I’m talking about. Pewds: Of course! Yes! Ken: Of course! The Grabber-Dick. Jack: DEAD! YES!
Mark: Agh, what the hell!? Mark: God damn it!
Pewds: What just happened? Mark: Every one of you!? Mark: Once I find the Grabber-Dick, I’m gonna get you… Mark: And I’m gonna make sure… Jack: You gotta step up your Daddy game. Mark: I…my Daddy game is already elevated to maximum capacity, okay? Jack: Really? ‘Cause I seem to r-…see… Ken: AH!
Jack: That…we all…killed ourselves… Mark: No! No, no, no, you didn’t — you didn’t do shit! Jack: You are SUCH a cool dad!
Mark: Why — why can’t I pick you up with my bare hands? Mark: It’s so stupid…
Jack: ‘Cause you don’t HAVE bear hands. Mark: Shut up! I have somethin’…
Jack: You have HUMAN hands. Mark: Uh…Fuck! There’s nothin’! There’s nothin’! Pewds: Don’t do anything stupid now, Dad…
Mark: Ah…shit! Ugh! I’m…I’m just gonna scoop you up in a basket! Mark: Ah, fuck! It’s not working! Ken: Oh God! Mark: Jesus!
Jack: Whatcha doin’? Mark: Just…
Jack: Leave my brothers alone! Mark: No! Ken: Chiiild abuuuse! [incoherent talking and shouting] Mark: THAT’S what I’m looking for! Give that to Daddy! Give that to Daddy! Mark: Give that to Daddy.
[shouting from Ken and Pewds] Mark: All right, so…I’m gonna lock you guys in here… Mark: It’s Jack that’s the troublesome one, where’s HE? Jack: No! No!
Mark: Jack, where are you? Jack: No!
Mark: Come to Daddy! Jack: Noooo…
Mark: COME TO DADDY! Jack: I need to find a way out…I need to find a way out… Mark: Where are you…?
Pewds: Where are you guys? Mark: I don’t…I don’t know where Jack went… Jack: I got it…I got it. I got it! I’m dying! Ken: He’ll never find me… Mark: No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no-no-no-no! What are you dying from? Jack: I’m already dying! Mark: No — From what?
Jack: That’s a secret, Daddy! I’m hiding! Mark: From WHAT? Mark: What are you dying from!? Mark: Where are you dying? Mark: What the hell is happening? [Jack laughs evilly] Mark: Oh geez…
Jack: I am MLG Baby-Killer. Pewds: I want hot chocolate!
Mark: No! No! No! Mark: No!
Pewds: Let me go! Pewds: Let me go, I’m gonna tase you!
Mark: No…No…N-TRY it! Pewds: I’m gonna tase you…
Mark: TRY it, Baby Bitch! Come on! Pewds: Nooooo….
Mark: You’re going in — back into your crib… Pewds: Saaave meee…
Mark: And you’re gonna STAY there! Mark: You…bleh. Ah shit, it broke.
Jack: Yes…Yes! Batteries! Jack: Yeeees!
Mark [laughing]: Are you stuck in the wall? Pewds: Yes…
Mark: Oh my God… Mark: That’s what you get, Baby — ow… Pewds: Fuck! I missed. [Mark laughs]
Jack: Daddy? I’m dying. Daddy. Mark: How? Where? Why?? Mark: I’ve — I’ve…I’ve figured out the final solution for Babydom. Mark: You just gotta stick ’em in the wall. [laughs] [Jack laughs] Mark: Where’d you go? Where’d you go, you little shit? Pewds: Nope. Never…
Jack: Aaaaand…dead. Mark: Aaaaah FUCK! Mark: Were you hiding under the car? Mark: Being Daddy sucks. [everyone else laughs] Jack: This is analogous to real life. Mark: Yeah, exactly. Mark: Shoulda worn a condom! Mark: Egh! I shouldn’t have let my wife go to that orgy!
Jack: That’s all this game is, is a commercial for condoms. Mark: Ugh… Pewds: Stop blocking the damn door! Pewds: Goddamnit!
Ken: Jack! Jack: I’m out! Jack: Come on, baby brethren! Mark: Noooo! [laughs] Jack: This is where we fight! Mark: Always through the goddamn vent. Mark: How ’bout no…How ’bout a lot of no… Mark: How ’bout I — NO! Pewds: I wanna light myself on fire. Mark: No, you do NOT do that. That’s exactly NOT what you do. Jack: I got you, Baby Bros. I got you, Baby Bros.
Pewds: Please, please, Dad! Let me live my DREAMS! Mark: No. Pewds: Gawwd… Mark: STOP IT!
Jack: God, Dad, just let us KILL ourselves! Mark: NO!
Ken: What?? Damn it, Daddy! [Jack and Mark laugh] Mark: If I — I’m gonna put a candle in the water, that way it’ll evaporate all the water… Mark: No, stop it with the bleach! Mark: Don’t — don’t do that…Don’t do that…
Jack: Come here, Daddy…I’ve got a KNIFE for you… [Ken screams]
Mark [laughing]: You STAY in there! Ken: You locked me in here? I’m the dirty little secret… Jack: C’mere!
Mark: Ah! Take the — here. Mark: I’ve got the knife on you! Wait… Jack: No!
Mark: Why can’t I use this knife on you? [Ken laughs]
Mark: To stab you in the dick…
Jack: What a safe thing to do on a baby. Mark: Aaaagh! No, eat this fruit! Jack: No!
Mark: Eat your breakfast! Jack: Do it! Do it, baby! Mark: Ha-HA-ha! I gave you a fruit!
Pewds: Oh thanks, Dad. Mark: You’re welcome. Pewds: I love oranges.
Ken: What’s going on? Jack: Get the candle!
Mark: I can’t move!
Pewds: Where’s the candle? Jack: It’s on the table! Get it!
Mark: Aah! Shit! Mark: Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it…
Jack: I’ll help you! Go, baby! Jack: Look it that little baby butt! Mark: Eh… Pewds [singing]: Lift me up, lift me up… Mark: Hang on… Ken: Which one is the one… Mark: No! Are you doused in gasoline? You stop that now! Mark: You need a bath!
Jack: Where’s the table? Pewds: Killl mehhh… Mark [laughing]: No… Jack: Oh God, I’m stuck on a chair! *grunts* Mark: You stay there…Oh man, why did you… Mark: Why did you stab me in the ankles? I can’t move anywhere! [Ken and Pewds laugh]
Jack: Yeeeah… Jack: Where’s the candle? Pewds: It’s here in the hallway. Mark: No no no no…
Jack: Get it! Mark: [many more “no”s]
Jack: Get it, babies!
Ken: I’m gonna eat some batteries…Delicious. Jack: Maybe I can’t do it! Mark: Okay…
Pewds: Ya just gotta belieeeve… Jack: We must…We must get this. Jack: Can we knock over the ta-NOO!
Mark: Nooo! Stop that!
Ken: AAAH, laser beam! Jack: NOOO!
[Mark laughs] Ken [laughing]: He’s just freaking out! Pewds: What the fuck are you doing? [Jack babbles incoherently]
Mark: I’m making sure you’re s-WHAT!? Mark: Noooo! Ken: Yeah! Mark: Goddamnit, I gave you a FRUIT! Ken: Look it those dance moves! Jack: I think the consensus is Worst Dad Ever. Mark: Oh shut up! As if YOU were any BETTER! Pewds: Arright, listen up, you piece of shits! Mark: Oh God… Ken: Oh God… Pewds: If you’re not in bed in 5 seconds… Pewds: …I’m gonna FUCK you! Mark [laughing]: Woah…
Jack: I’m…I’m sorry Daddy!
Pewds: WHAT’RE YOU DOING? [Ken shouts]
Jack: Daddy, I’m sorry…
Mark: That’s kind of extreme… [Pewds roars angrily]
Jack: I’ll go to bed! Jack: I’ll go to bed, Daddy! I’m sorry! *cries* Ken: Jesus…
Mark: Daddy, I’m scared…
Pewds: Kill yourself, you piece of shit! Mark: Oh God, Daddy, no!
Ken: Where’s the dildo? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Jack: Go away, Daddy. I’ll go to bed… Mark: I’ll go to bed. I’ll go to bed…
Pewds: I hate you!
Ken: We’re going to bed… Pewds: I HATE you!
Mark [nervously]: We’re going to bed! Pewds: Yeah, go to BED! March up! Mark [sobbing]: Okay…
Jack: I — I miss Mal-…I miss Mommy. Pewds: Last one to bed gets a spanking with a belt! Mark: Why did Mom go to that wonderful hotel vacation for three years?
Ken [intrigued]: Ooh, a belt! Ken: Ooh, some pants! Jack: Why can’t I get on the bed? Pewds: GET IN THE BED! COME ON! Jack: I’m TRYING!
Mark: I can’t get on the bed! Jack [sobbing]: I’m sorry, Daddy! Ken: Knock over that thing in the corner so I can jump on it and get in bed! [Mark whimpers nervously]
Pewds: Last one gets a spanking! Jack: Don’t hurt me again!
Mark: Aah, no, no! Mark: It’s Jack! Jack’s the last one! Pewds: Jack, you gets the SPANKING! Jack: THAT’S not ME! Mark: Oh, KEN! I’m sorry, KEN’S the last one!
[Ken screams] Ken: OH! Oh, my buns! My baby buns! Oh nooo…
[Mark laughs] Mark: Jack! Jack! I’m scared!
[Pewds snarls angrily] [Ken cries]
Mark: I’m scared! Jack: Hold me! Hold me, baby brother! Mark [laughing]: I’m holding ya! Mark: Daddy won’t get us — Pewds: You shall NOT console each other!
Mark: AAAH! Daddy, NO! Jack: Okay…okay, we gotta make a break for it! We gotta make a break for it! Jack: Through the vent, babies!
Pewds: No, you can’t run from ME!
Mark: Where!? Mark: I don’t know where the vent is!
Pewds: I AM YOUR FATHER! Ken: WOOOO!
Mark: Woooo… Pewds: Aw, you pieces of shit…
Mark: Ahhh! [Ken laughs]
Jack: Run, baby brothers!
Mark: Ooh! Mark: Okay, okay, I can turn the dryer and washer on! You go in the dryer, I’ll go in the washer! [Ken grunts]
Mark: It’s a deal! Jack: Oh look, it’s the scary Daddy! Mark: Oh God, it went off! Why did it go off?
Ken: Why, this thing turned off! Why? Jack: No! No, Daddy, no!
Pewds: HAVE AN ORANGE! [Mark laughs]
Pewds: Have a fucking orange! Pewds: You have a banana! Pewds: Put that down, boy! Mark: He’s trying to make us healthy! RUN! Jack: The baby’s doused!
Mark: Yes — Baby’s doused! Get Baby a candle! Mark: We gotta finish this!
Pewds: Drink the gasoline! I dare you! Jack: I AM, Daddy!
Pewds: I fucking dare you — drink it! Jack: Okay, we’re doused. Jack: We just gotta get a candle!
Mark: I know how to get to the candle… Pewds: Here you go, you piece of shit! I dare you! You’re too pussy! [Ken and Jack scream] [Mark laughs]
Jack: WOOOOOO! WOOOO! WOO-WOO-WOOO! Mark [laughing]: AAAH! Oh god! Pewds: I ran out of…stop! Jack: Oh my God, the SOUND! Mark: Yeah, the screaming! Oh my God… [Mark laughs] Ken: Oh, you’re standing on me! Ken: Like that’s the WORST of my problems… [Mark laughs] Mark: Oh, it’s still screaming! Do you guys hear that? Mark: Good job, Daddy. We love you, Daddy. *kissing noises* Jack: You’re a TERRIBLE father. I hate you. Mark: No, *I* love you. Pewds: Does anyone else wanna be Daddy in — one more time, or something? Jack: No. Mark: I think…you’re the BEST Daddy…
Jack: Sensual lips! Mark: …that ever…ever Dadded! Ken: Those sexual lips you had there was just…hot! [Jack laughs] Ken: Ow!
Mark [in an Irish [?] accent]: Hot. It’s very hot. Jack: “Open Room of Great Achievement”. Pewds: Hands up, babies! Ken: Whooo!
Jack: Jesus! No, Dad!
Pewds: Hands up! Jack: Put the gun down, Daddy!
Mark: Sorry, Dad — Ow. Ow. [Mark yells crazily] Mark: Okay, so… Mark: There’s a plug over there…
Jack: Wait, my health isn’t going down anymore! Pewds: Stop fuckin’ around! You’re supposed to be in bed! Mark: No no no no. It’s all right, Dad.
Jack: Daddy, gimmie some fruit! Jack: Daddy, I’m gonna die! Gimmie some fruit!
Pewds: All right — Babies, it’s time for your bath, all right? Jack: Daddy, I need fruit!
Pewds: I’m gonna get in here. Get in there, Ken. Mark: Oh geez! Oh God!
Jack: I need fruit! I’m gonna die! Ken: Oh Jesus Christ!
Mark: The toaster’s freaking out… Pewds: Time for your dirty bath, you dirty bitches! Jack: Okay, but I’m gonna die. Ken: Won’t get it in there… Pewds: You can’t die, you’re too much of a pussy. Mark: No no no no no no, give him…give him some pills! Give him some PILLS! Pewds: I’m making the bath for you. It’s nice and warm. Jack [mutters something incomprehensible] Good job, Ken. Ken: I’m like, trying to figure out how to drop this shit… Ken: I can’t.
Pewds: Let’s take a bath, babies. Mark: Okay. All right, Daddy.
Jack: Okay. Aaaaand… Jack: I…am…dead. [Mark laughs] Mark: Don’t worry, I tried to–
Jack: *makes drowning noises* Mark: *Laughter* Ken: Eat that booty. Pewds: Oh noooo… Pewds: My babieeees!
Jack: Now we’re purple! [Closed Captioning provided & edited by the YouTube Community]