[Bentley] Sly! Come in! SLYYYY!!! Are you there?! [Sly] Yeah, I’m here. Jesus… Hey, you see the Eiffel Tower? That shit’s amazing. [Bentley] No, I can’t see anything! I lost my glasses! I can’t see without my glasses! [Sly] ‘International Police’? That doesn’t seem right… Why are they in France? France doesn’t leave France! [Bentley] ‘International’ means ‘all over the place’, Sly! Here, let me grab my dictionary. So I can talk to you abou–
[Sly] WHOA whoa whoa whoa whoa, WHAT?! [Bentley] Look at that! That’s my money! [Murray] That’s actually *my* money? That- that jerk man stole it? So can you get it back for me? …Please? Turtles keep stealing my–
[Sly] Yeah. Okay, I’ll get you your money. [Sly] Uh, hey, Bentley? Uh, did you put something in my water? I’m… hallucinating. [Bentley] Yes! I did, Sly! I put some performance enhancement drugs in there so you can complete this mission on time! We’re on a strict schedule! See those? That’s hallucinations! What you’re looking at right now? That’s not real! But that’s gonna guide you to the goal. You get it? [Sly] HAH! Hmm… Me…! [Murray] Hey, good job! You found a picture of yourself! You narcissist. Can you find a picture of me too? You were gonna help me with my self-esteem. [Hayley] And introducing Carmelita Montoya Fox as The Inspector. [Carmelita] Ha! Hup! Haiii-YAH! Hey… bitch! Welcome. [Sly] Oh, hi. Welcome. To me…escaping. [Carmelita] No, you’re not going to escape. You’re gonna stand right there on this rooftop. [Sly] Y’know, I think we should have… sex. Is that all right with you? I feel like, it’s… y’know, are you there with for that or…? [Carmelita] You’re being very presumptive based on the way I’m dressed? And I don’t appreciate that? Like. [Sly] Well, I mean, have you seen the way *I’m* dressed? [Carmelita] Okay, but- actually, I haven’t. [Sly] I mean if you were to look at the way I’m dressed I’m assum- You’d assume I wouldn’t be more interested in fucking you. Probably one of my- [Sly] (Muffled) BYE! [Carmelita] Bye! Don’t come back! [Theme music plays] [Sly] Well see, we’re wanted from the law… and raves. [Carmelita] I am the law… and raves. [Sly] So I got this picture of myself but –
[Murray] I can’t drive. [Sly] -maybe you’re interested in who I am and where I’ve come from. I’m a furry. Now, I didn’t always look like this. I was once a lot smaller. I learned to write from Egyptians, and cowboys, and pirates. It was a situation. Latin is my language of choice but, I just like to make it up by adding “us” to the end. So I smack-us the raccoon-us and the lock-us open up-us. And then I fly around-us and I have a face-us. Wrap-us some guys-us up-us, and to grab some money-us, and then I leave-us a card-us. I read-us the book-us. Then some bad guys-us-us came by-sus and tried to kills-us. I’m gonna drop the act. This was the most traumatizing experience of my life. They stole the book-us. And they ripped it to shreds… They each took a page, and went to their four corners of the earth. Well, five. There’s five- they’re the “Fiendish Five”? Anyway, I went to an orphanarium, and I met- [Murray] Hi! [Sly] I met the chipmunks. There’s Bentley.
[Bentley] It’s me, I’m Bentley! And I like science! [Murray] I just really like food! Please help me! [Sly] Somebody stuck a bandaid on him when he was five, he never took it off. It really smells under there, so… Anyway, we’re after this frog man now. He- [Raleigh] Hah-ha!
[Sly] He used to be a rich kid. And he had all the flies he could ever want. But then he decided to try his hand at a bit of piracy, and he found he took a liking to it. He now is holed up on an island somewhere pretending to be a pirate. It’s kind of sad but, he’s also an expert machinist, I guess? [Raleigh] Machines! [Sly] He looks ridiculous. [Raleigh] Shuddup.
[Sly] Anyway, they’re holed up in the the Panama… Trapezoid. And, uh, where no ships survive. Anyway… We’re gonna drive there?? [Penny] Sly Cooper in… ‘We’re Gonna Drive There!’ [Ryan] ‘Tide Of Drive There!’ [Penny] ‘Tide Of Drive!’ [Bentley] Sly! Can you hear me?! Come in Sly! SLYYYYY! You see that gate right there? That’s gonna lead you to- I almost turned into Larry The Cable Guy! [Sly] Don’t do that. [Bentley] I’m trying my best, but it’s happening really quickly! You gotta help me, Sly! Go get the Anti-Larry device! [Sly] Okay, I’ll go… [Bentley] Go get it, please! I’m turning fast! I’m about to start talking about taters! [Sly] I’ll go get it done. I’ll- I’ll get her done. [Sly] What the hell is that? A whale? In the sky? [Bentley] No, it’s a whale *boat*! [Sly] Hey, is that bee gonna sting me? It’s really clos- whoa! That one was extra close. [Bentley] You see that hook? I want you to grab it, and use it to kill the frog man. I’m- I’m basically, I’m just giving you the layout of the land? [Sly] Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are. I can tell. [Bentley] Sly! You found the map I was talking about! Do you see where it’s supposed to lead? Go up the mountain, and you’ll find the door, and inside the door is gonna be a riddle. You’ll have to answer it. [Sly] Otherwise it’ll be mad at me? I was here. [Sly] I see that fucking whale again! What does it want? Is it gonna hurt me? Bentley? [Bentley] It’ll hurt ya if you keeping looking at it! It’s really shy about itself when it gets angry! [Sly] Oh, right.
[Bentley] So stop looking at it and I want you to focus on something else. [Bentley] You see that right there? That’s electricity! That powers all of our modern devices! TVs, tablets, iPads… Tablets and iPads are different things, I’ve determined recently in my studies. That’s a portal into the nether realm right there. This place is really weird, Sly. [Sly] Yeah, it’s pretty weird. [Bentley] Sly-! You see that fire right there? [Anthony] Is this it?! (Laughing) Is this the dub?! [Sly] I got past it! Whoo! Alright. Oh! Another piece of paper. Hey Bentley, what’s on this one? [Bentley] Sly! You found the recipe for fire juice! It burns a whole lot if you drink it! But, in order to cook it, you need the bones of a dead relative! So why don’t you go grave digging and give me the results when you get back! [Sly] I was here! Okay! Oh! A piece of paper! Bentley, I’m really torn up after the last-
[Bentley] Sly! You found the water juice! The water juice is just gonna let you survive underwater! But you have to find the knees of a dead relative in order to cook it! So go grave digging! Again! [Sly] I was here! [Bentley] Sly! SLY! Did you lose the ability to roll, Sly? [Sly] No, I still have the ability to roll but there’s-
[Bentley] Well, then why didn’t you have the option?! You see those bottles? Inside of those bottles are all of my paperclips. NOO- [Sly] Oh God, not another one of these! I can’t dig another grave!
[Charley] Tell me, what does it say? [Bentley] Sly! You found an old fanfiction I’ve wrote in 5th Grade! It’s a slash fic between me and Murray! But *please* do not tell him, that I’m just immensely attracted to him. SLYYYYY!
[Sly] WHA- no! Oh God, this is so smutty. I was here! [Bentley] Sly- [Charley] Slow Cooper! [Sly] Uh-huh.
[Penny] (In character) This is the majority of the dub, I’m telling you! [Bentley] Sly! Go run on that wooden barrel… [Sly] Okay… [Bentley] And- [Sly] I-I’ll run on it, and see what happens. WHAMMO! Oh God! Please tell me this isn’t another fanfic… [Bentley] Sly! You didn’t find a fanfic, but you found a Cease and Desist- – that I got while I was trying to make my Sonic the Hedgehog fangame! This was before SEGA got cool about that kind of thing and started bringing on fans to make projects! [Bentley] Sly- [Sly] Yeah, Bentley?! Goddamnit!
[Bentley] Come in, Sly! You see that tower over there? Up inside- [Sly] Why is the decapitated version of my head on there?
[Bentley] Up inside of the tower- I’m hiding! I’m hiding! I’m goin’ crazy, Sly! I need you to help me! [Sly] Okay, maybe I’ll shoot myself out of a cannon. [Bentley] No! Don’t do that! That’ll lead you in the opposite- [Sly] Yeah, I think I’m gonna do that. [Bentley] Opposite. Direction. IF YOU DO THAT, I’M GONNA FINE YOU! [Sly] (Muffled) I’M GONNA DO IT, BENTLEY! (Muffled) I’M GONNA FUCKING DO IT!!!
[Bentley] NO!!! DON’T DO IT!!! [Bentley] DON’T DO IT! [Sly] YAAAAAAHOOOO!!! [Raleigh] Hello, Sly Cooper… I’ve been expecting me… …You? I’ve been expecti- I’ve rehearsed this and everything! [Sly] You didn’t rehearse enough, Raleigh the Frog Pirate! [Raleigh] Wha- look, okay. Take it- take it again. Come through the window again, please. Uh… Hello, ser- uh, servants? Fix up the- I don’t have servants anymore, I’m a pirate. Uh, crew? Fix up the window! Let him come in again! Let’s try this- take two, alright? Let’s do this… SLY, I’VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU! AH HAH HA HA HAAR! How was that? Did you like that one? Was that good? Or do you want a- do you want to try a third-? [Sly] Why don’t you take it another! [Raleigh] All right, safety take- (Guttural frog noises) [Raleigh] I think that one was a bit too broad, actually. I feel like… Most audiences won’t understand the whole tongue and inflation thing. It’s a little odd. I don’t really know what I was going for. You wanna try that a fourth time? Or are we just gonna…? [Raleigh] Keep rolling?
[Sly] No sweat! You’re dead! [Raleigh] Oh… That’s right. I can’t swim- wait, yes I can, I’m a frog. And a pirate. So… that’s double swimming. I could swim twice! Swim all over the goddamn place! [Sly] Well, I killed him. [Sly] And I got a bunch of papers from my ancestor, Rioichi Cooper, from Japan. Apparently, I’m every race. Upon finding out that I’m part Japanese, I started eating Pocky under a bridge. The furries captured the slimies, and they put them in the news! [Sly] And that’s what happens when you don’t wear pants.
[Sammi] ‘Hot Chick’…? [Sly] So we left the Panama Trapezoid, and it turned into a rave. Seems to happen wherever we go. We’re back in Paris, for some reason. And I’m continuing to read this file. [Murray] I still can’t drive. [Sly] You see, there’s this guy named “Muggshot.” [Muggshot] Nyeeeh… See?
[Sly] He lives out in the deserts of Nevada at a place called Mesa City. But he wasn’t always all brawn and no brains. He used to be little wimpy boy. A little puss-puss. Meooow! [Kids] (Laughing) He kicked the sand! [Kid] God, what a freak.
[Sly] He didn’t like being the runt of the litter, so he went and watched The Dogfather. It was there he saw his first gangster film.
[Young Muggshot] That’s gonna be me someday, see? [Sly] And then a lightbulb exploded and mutated him into a horrible monstrosity. Unfortunately, he skipped leg day every day. So now all he has is arms and no legs. [Muggshot] Nyeh, see? Pow! Pah! Rah! Nyeeeh- Oh shit! (Gatling gun noises) [Muggshot] Eat lead you sons of bitches!
[Sly] For some reason he was shooting his guns in his childhood bedroom, which is very weird. [Muggshot] I like making holes in my ceiling, see? [Sly] He now lives under a giant… Well, I guess toilet. So we’re heading back to the USA.
[Murray] Only gotten this far by pure luck, Sly. [Penny] Sly Cooper in… ‘The Toilet Under The Sun!’ [Bentley] Okay, Sly. I’ve officially recovered from my Larry the Cable Guy impression. And I need you to tell me, uh, what did I miss? [Sly] A lot, buddy. A lot. We killed a frog. [Bentley] Did I really? Did I miss a lot? Because I’m- I’m not sure that much even happened. [Sly] We killed a frog, I’m Japanese, we’re watching anime now, and now we have to kill an only arms dog? [Bentley] Oh, I guess that is a lot. Okay, so down there is a dog. Um, I have an affinity for killing dogs. So I need you to go, and, uh, bring him to me, Sly. [Sly] Wait a minute. This is a chance for me to use the skill that I learned from my ancestor! [Bentley] What skill?! List them off for me, one by one! This’ll be a challenge! Huh? [Sly] Well, I can sneak. [Bentley] Yeah, I’m not hearing anything. Huh? I’m not hearing. I’m not hearing anything. Comin’ out of you. [Sly] What is it this time, Bentley? [Bentley] Sly! You found my “You’re a Bitch” degree! Bentley: (Laughing) It’s just me- telling me over and over again, that you’re a piece of GARBAGE! [Sly] Geez, buddy! Why do I have a gun?! [Bentley] Yeah, it’s a gun. I made it for you! You’re gonna use it at some point. [Sly] Am I gonna shoot Murray? [Bentley] It’s a restraining order from Murray after you shot him with the gun! [Sly] Oh God! [Bentley] H- He’s really… He’s really hurt and offended by it, and uh… Yeah, you’re gonna- you’re gonna have to deal with this, buddy. [Murray] Hey look, there’s a giant hotdog! You should eat it. [Sly] Uh- [Murray] Also, I want you to know I’ve forgiven you for shooting me. I can understand, my face is shootable. [Sly] Yeah- no, it really is. [Murray] Thanks. That really helps my self-esteem. [Sly] Hm-mhm, no, I think you’re great, and please don’t sue me again? I’m being sued twice, by Bentley *and* by you. First for shooting myself out of a cannon, and you for shooting you with a gun. [Murray] Bold of you to assume you don’t have enough money to not get sued.
[Sly] Hey, Bentley. Drive. [Bentley] Slyyy-! (Laughing) [Bentley] Murray driv- Murray drove right off the road! [Sly] Oh God.
[Bentley] He’s in the hospital! We need to go see him, can you make it?! [Connor Cooper] (Penny): Hello Sly. It’s me, your father. I’m actually alive somewhere out in the world. [Connor Cooper] You just need to find me. Stay diligent, stay true, and most of all: stay saucy, Sly. [Sly] Bentley, that was really fucked up. Why would you write something like that? [Bentley] I didn’t write it. [Sly] I was here. [Sammi] Fuck- oh shit that’s me, okay. I haven’t had a line in so long! [Sly] Yeah, oh shit! It’s you, okay! Hi! Uhh… Foxy. Hah-ha! [Carmelita] Hi… Raccoon-y? (Laughing) Tha- That feels like a slur. That- I’m sorry I said that. [Sly] Yeah, whoa! Geez! I’m outta here.
[Carmelita] Okay, considering how bad your mouth animations are, I take that back. You deserve everything. [Sly] Whoa! Now you’re attacking my mouth animations?!
[Carmelita] Yeah! You’re mouth ani- Okay, so mine are pretty bad too. [Sly] Whoo!
[Carmelita] You’re just gonna fucking leave me for a safe? [Bentley] (Laughing) S-Sly! I don’t know what this is, man! I found this thing in here, and it’s like a bunch of hieroglyphics that I can’t even to begin to decipher it… But it gives off a strange horrifying aura, and I’ve had nightmares for the past 12 days because of it. [Sly] I was here! [Carmelita] No, I was here! First… Second. I’m standing on a head. [Penny] Did she disappear!? [Murray] (Letter) Dear Sly… I made- I made her-
[Sly] What is it this tim- Oh, it’s from Murray! [Murray] (Letter) I made her disappear… You’re next… [Sly] What?
[Murray] (Letter) Listen I’m- I’m sick of all this. You shoot me, and then asking me not to sue you? That’s just common decency! She’s disappearing, and you’re next, SpyFox…. (Sly panting) [Muggshot] Nyeeh… if it isn’t Sly Cooper, see? I’m gonna beat you up with my fists, see? Cuz, I got no other usable body parts that would sufficiently damage you, see? I’ve never forgiven those kids for kicking sand in my face, and that’s why I’m evil, you seeee? So now, I’m gonna make you dead! [Sly] I don’t see. [Muggshot] Well, cuz you got that big dumb mask over your eyeballs, see? Now I’m gonna tear you apart with my big freaky fingers, see? Mmm… my sausage fingers. [Sly] Hmm, I’m beginning to see… [Muggshot] My fingies, see? My big ol’ fingies that could wrap around my waist, see? Where’s my cigar? Did you take my cigar? (Grunting) [Sly] This is a complicated room you got here, buddy! [Muggshot] I’m going back to my chair now, see. [Sly] Okay, well, I’m gonna go to your other chair. [Muggshot] Is it alright just competing to see who could go higher now. [Muggshot] Hey, why did you get-
[Sly] Well, I won. [Muggshot] get me on my back? See? I can’t get up See? I’m too heavy. I can’t support my own… muscle mass. So, I did not think this through. I’m just too swole.
[Sly] Hmm. That’s interesting. Huh. Wow. [Sly] You’re really a freak of nature, aren’t you? [Muggshot] I really am. I would appreciate you putting me out of my misery, see? [Sly] Oh, sure. [Muggshot] Thank you. [Sly] So I put him out of his misery, and then I got this paper. From my ancestor. “Tennessee Kid” Cooper. He was a cowboys. Now he ran, and slided around on a railroads? Smoked a lot too. Poor bastard smoked himself to death. I started smoking. I wanted to die. The furries busted the furry, and they put them in the newspaper. That’s what you get for being slippery. We left the ‘Peepee Pavilion’. Hah-ha! We went to Hollywood and stole Donald Trump! Now we’re in the caboose again, but this time it’s backwards. Back to Paris. I read that file again… [Murray] I can’t see anything. [Sly] We’re on our way to- HOLY SHIT! Mz. Ruby was a- was a young girl. She had eclectic tastes. She preferred hanging out with… D-dead people. Oh… Someone should have watched this little girl, because she now grew up to be real spooky-like. And, uh… Mildly racist. I don’t know what her deal is, but she floated on her butt, through space and time… Into a tree. And that’s where we’re headed… [Penny] Sly Cooper in… [Charley] ‘A Tree!’ [Bentley] Sly- (Laughing) Come in Sly! Please help me! [Sly] Hey, uh, where are we? [Bentley] Murray’s gone buck wild over here in the van! He keeps telling me that I’m the one next!
(Murray humming ‘Pumpkin Hill’ in the background) And I don’t know what that means. I didn’t do anything to him, but he keeps on hitting me. He keeps singing this song! [Sly] Uhh, Pumpkin Hill? [Bentley] Wha- what do you think that guy’s name is, huh? Whaddya think?
[Sly] Probably- Probably Earl. [Bowser] Dear pesky plumbers, the Koopalings and I have taken over the Mushroom Kingdom! The princess is now a permanent guest at one of my seven Koopa Hotels! I dare you to find her if you can! [Sly] Huh, interesting. [Bentley] What? What the heck is that!?
[Sly] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! [Bentley] That’s just a big dead guy! [Sly] It’s a big dead guy. [Beast] Om nom nom nom-
[Sly] UH, HEY BENTLEY? IS THERE SOMETHING BEHIND ME? [Beast] Well, that was cool. [Sly] I have the feeling I’m being watched! [Keith] Dear sister, by the time you read this, I’ll be dead. Here’s how I think it’s gonna happen: Dave will shoot me, then I’ll shoot Dave, then Eric will enter and get shot by Dave, and you’ll come in and get shot by Eric, Dave and I multiple times… Sincerely, your brother, Keith. PS. Then two cops will read this letter, and shoot each other. [Sly] Mmm, whatcha say. [Bentley] Mmm? Whatcha say, Sly? [Bentley] Half of these cutscenes are me, just delivering you long monologues of explanations and exposition. [Sly] Found another one! [Marty Mcfly] Dear Dr. Brown, on the night that I go back in time, you will be… shot. By terrorists. Please take whatever precautions are necessary to prevent this terrible catastrophe. Your friend, Marty. [Sly] What the fuck’s a terrorist? WHOA! Check out that cool move! You’re free! [Bentley] Sly, did you free the giant monster!? That wasn’t even remotely a part of the mission! What do you think you’re doing, man!? [Sly] I’ve gone rogue, Bentley! Trying to figure my own way. [Paper] (Gasping for air) [Paper] Oh, thank God! They experimented on me! Made me the first living sheet of paper! I’ve been stuffed in that safe forever! A-and I just- I’m just finally fucking free! Thank Jesus! Oh, thank God! Just please…! Don’t put me back in an enclosed space! It’ll kill me! I just couldn’t possibly stand- [Sly] Put it in my backpack!
[Paper] (Muffled screaming) [Sly] Slow down! [Bentley] Slow down, Sly! Times- today’s the time to chill. We’re gonna have a party in this room. Look at all this money! You want to take it, and, you want to get out of this rat hole, go to Vegas, or something? IS THAT A GHOST?! What am I looking at?! [Sly] Alright! I’m gonna ride this rock on a vent of swamp gas, into the sky, to jump into a- skeleton crocodile’s mouth! [Mz. Ruby] These motherfuckers will eat yo’ face! They gonna eat your face, and yo’ butt. That’s what they gon’ do. Eat yo’ face, and your butt. Your buttface. That’s what you are. That’s what I do. [Sly] I’m a buttface? [Mz. Ruby] Yeah, you better accept it. You gotta accept some things in life, and this is one of those things you gotta accept, and that’s how it is. That’s how it is, and that’s how it’s gonna be. And… it’s never gonna change until you change who you are. Inside. But, you can’t, cause you… are terrible. [Sly] I can’t? Cause why? I thought I was raccoon, but I guess I’m a buttface. [Mz. Ruby] I only have four shapes. [Sly] I mean, those are the shapes. [Mz. Ruby] Yeah, well… [Sly] At least all the shapes that I know about. [Mz. Ruby] I could send you the letter “R”. [Sly] So, what’s your favorite movie? [Mz. Ruby] Ah… “Princess and the Frog”. [Sly] Oh. That scans. [Mz. Ruby] It’s cau- Well, okay. My second favorite is “Thumbelina” cause… Cause of the frog. But she’s not an alligator. So, Princess and the Frog. [Sly] See, I’m actually a fan of “Pocahontas”. [Mz. Ruby] You’re a fan of Pocahontas? [Sly] Yeah, it’s one of the few movies where we have some actual representation. [Mz. Ruby] Uh, yeah, but you do realize it is immensely problematic, right? [Sly] Yeah, but not for raccoons. They did a pretty good job. I really love crackers. I’m on a giant mosquito. [Skeeter] Raccoon, did you see that “Over the Hedge” movie? [Sly] I didn’t. [Skeeter] Oh my God, they do raccoons so great. [Sly] Oh, really? [Skeeter] Yeah-nuh, he’s really hot. [Sly] Oh, cool! That’s amazing I- I’ve actually have not ventured that far out of Disney for that. But, uh- I- is that- who made that? [Skeeter] That was, uh, DreamWorks! [Sly] Here’s the thing about DreamWorks. Did they make those- those terrible licensed video games? [Skeeter] Uh, no, they’re actually all pretty good from what I can tell! I know that uh, “Shark Tale” had a really good game for the PS2. [Sly] Okay. What about the- um, that one about bees? [Skeeter] Oh, yeah for the Wii. [Sly] Oh, yeah? [Sly] Did “Over the Hedge” happene-
[Skeeter] AUGH-!! [Sly] Oh, GOD NO! SKEETER! [Mz. Ruby] Curse you, and your… “Pocahontas” representation. We only stan “Princess and The Frog”. Only… Post-renaissance Disney movies, nothing from the Dark Ages… Or… Wha- what is that period called? The one before the 90s… The 90s were a bad time. [Sly] “Pocahontas” came out after the Disney renaisasance. What are you talking about? So I killed her. Alright, I got some baguettes, and some papers and now were gon- [Murray] Why am I only red Sly? [Sly] Here’s uh… Panda King. Hey- what? Once he was… [Kid Panda King] Huuuuh!! [Sly] Once he was impressed by fireworks in Feudal China [Panda King] Hmmmm… [Sly] Because China never progressed past that middl- oh, he became a pyrotechnics master Except he wasn’t. [Guy] Get the fuck out of here. [Sly] So they kicked him out of the academy, and then he got ang. And he started becoming a terrorist! I found out what terrorists are from this note I got? [Sly] Anyway, his eyes caught on fire, and he’s been angry ever since.
[Panda King] OW, MY HANDS! JESUS! SOMEONE CALL A FIREMAN! [Sly] He created a new form of martial arts called “Flame-Fu”. Anyway… [Penny] Sly Cooper in… [Anthony] ‘Flame-Fu Panda!’ [Bentley] (Murray) Sly!
[Sly] What the fuck happ- What? [Bentley] (Murray) I switched bodies with Bentley! [Sly] Did he Steve Urkel you or something? [Bentley] (Murray) Yeah, pretty much! [Sly] Hey- [Bentley] (Murray) Anyway, I did it- I- I had to do it. I need to be with you, Sly. [Sly] That guy killed an entire village of people! This is no time for Steve Urkel-ing! What are you doing!? There are genocides being abb- [Bentley] (Murray) But this is the only way we get to talk, Sly! You’re always talking with Bentley, and you can’t blame me for getting a little jealous. Like, he’s talking throughout the keys? And about these dudes, like… [Sly] Alright. Hey, well then tell me what’s in this safe? Bentle- Murray. [Murray] (Letter) Dear Sly, ever since I switched bodies with Bentley, my life has been just absolutely complete. I get to take a look at your sick awesome raccoon face, and your… blue shirt, and your pants that blend in with your skin… So, it’s like you can’t even tell if you’re wearing pants, or not… It’s beautiful. [Sly] I’m not. [Bentley] (Murray) SLYY! [Sly] Oh God. [Bentley] (Murray) I can see why he really liked doing this, it was really fun to scream your name like that. It’s pretty hardcore. Anyway, if you go through that one clearly marked spot on the roof, you should be able to get in. [Sly] I guess I’ll blow it up with bombs? There’s a lot of bombs, I’ll blow up that small little vent. [Bentley] (Distant) SLY, HELP ME! [Bentley] (Murray) Hey, look! I abandoned him in the snowy country side, hoping he never returns. But, there he is… Sly, you have to finish the job. [Bentley] (Letter) Sly, Sly, you have to help me! Murray’s done something horrible to me, he stranded me in this wasteland! This is the only way we can communicate, through secret code file. I need you to come to the incline. Alright? Get here quick! Hurry! [Sly] Where are you buddy? I came to the incline! You weren’t here. [Murray] (Letter) You thought that you could save your friend… But unfortunately, it’s too late… [Sly] Murray…! [Murray] (Letter) I found him on the hillside… [Sly] You bastard… [Murray] (Letter) I had to do to him, what he wouldn’t. [Sly] That son of a bitch! I WAS HERE! [Bentley] (Murray) Sly! This is it… The reckoning… Get the fire, point it at the panda, and go “Wa-bah!” [Sly] I can’t… [Bentley] (Murray) Yes, Sly… It’s the only way… And then we can be together! [Sly] Together? [Bentley] (Murray) Yes. Forever Sly… Forever. [Sly] Fine, I’ll do whatever you say… Bentley! [Murray] (Bentley) Sly, I found a way onto the channel! I ne- I’m still alive, but I don’t have much time left! I need you to get me some ice cream! Not for any sort of important reason, but just because I’m really craving a nice little “rocky road” flavor, or something? Like a little chocolate chip cookie to pair it with. Mm-mmm~ Good! Anyway, I’m about to die. [Sly] Hey, Bentley, uh, there are more pressing things- [Murray] (Bentley) I’m in this car. He sent me into the races, but this is the most violent race of all time! [Sly] Oh, my God, no! It’s the- it’s the “China Grand Prix!” Bentley, drive better! [Carmelita] Drive worse. [Sly] Are you in on this conspiracy too? [Carmelita] Everything’s a conspiracy, haven’t you ever seen the government? [Sly] Whoa~at? I’m sorry? Can you do that again?
[Carmelita] There’s no such thing as the government, Sly. That’s why… [Sly] It’s just me against the world. [Carmelita] No, it’s you, and me, against the world. But I’m also against you. Which makes it you against the world. [Carmelita] (Letter) Dear Sly, here’s a special code just for you. “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Yankee Oscar Uniform Sierra Lima Yankee” Have fun figuring that out Sly. I’m sure you can do it. Have a wonderful day! [Sly] Stunning! [Carmelita] Did you get my message? [Sly] No. [Carmelita] Did you read it? Did you fucking read the note? [Sly] I killed you instead. Wheee! Ooooh! oooOOOH! [Panda King] Hey there, it’s me the big ole’ panda at the top of the tower! Hu-chi, ma-chi! Let’s fight! I’m jiggling up a storm! C’mon! [Sly] Oh, whoa, okay. That’s not what I expected you to sound like. I guess… uh… Never judge a book by its cover. [Panda King] I’m kung fu-ey, right? That’s- that’s all that was coming to mind. That wasn’t… Incredibly racist. I mean it’s still racist, but it’s the wrong race?
[Sly] No- Yeah, it’s still racist, but it’s the wrong race, but I get you. That makes sense. Mm-hmm. Alright, I’m gonna kill you now. I’m gonna kill ya, and then my eyes will continue to clip. [Panda King] I can’t stop moving, Sly! I can’t stop! Put an end to this, Sly! I also don’t do a very good “Scatman Carruthers” impression. Oh. Well, thanks for that. I guess, I think you did that. [Sly] You just tripped, brah. Murray, Murray! I hear you! [Murray] (Bentley) What?! Wha- what’s going on? [Sly] Oh God, they’re believing that they’re each other’s identities now. [Murray] (Bentley) Did you- did you finish the job? [Sly] No, Bentley, you’re Bentley remember? [Murray] (Bentley) Who’s “Bentley”? [Sly] Oh God… [Bentley] (Murray) Yes… Who is “Bentley”? [Sly] It was only me and these blank pages. Also I was here. Apparently I’m… German. That’s cool. I snuck away from the lady I killed. [Sly] She’s still there, in China, to this very day…
[Carmelita] I’m undead. [Carmelita] Why are all of my headlines so objectifying? [Anthony] Objectifyer-ish, like… [Sly] I looked through all the papers. There’s a- there’s a “Birdman”. All of the pictures… What’s that? In the background? A bird. [Birdman] Nyaa! [Sly] What’s that? A bird. [Birdman] Aah! [Sly] What’s that? A bird. [Birdman] You get the idea! Nyaa! [Sly] Yeah, there’s birds everywhere. So I decided to kill all birds. And that’s what I was a-gonna do… [Penny] Sly Cooper in… [Hayley] ‘that’s the what I was a gonna do!’ [Anthony] ‘Kill all birds!’ [Charley] ‘Kill all birds’ [Bentley] (Murray) Hello, Sly.
[Sly] Goddamnit. [Bentley] (Murray) It’s me. Did you miss me? [Sly] No. What have you done with Carmelita!? [Bentley] (Murray) I’ve trapped her. [Carmelita] (Muffled) Uh, am I dancing? [Bentley] (Murray) She know- she thinks she’s Carmelita. [Sly] She thinks she’s- you put her in the dance ray, didn’t you? Wait, I get it… You’re the “Birdman!” Oh, no, I’ve been trapped! [Carmelita] (Muffled) Oh, no, I’ve- am I free? I don’t think I’m free yet. [Sly] Nope, we’re both trapped together. And I think- oh, [Sly] there’s the nerve gas.
[Carmelita] (Muffled) We’ll never be free, as long as corporations control the Government. It’s conspiracy, Sly! There is no freedom under capitalism! Also let me out of this. [Bentley] (Murray) That’s right Sly… Capitalism is finally showing its horrid face, and it’s the face of birds. Talking bird capitalism, baby. [Carmelita] (Muffled) Haven’t you ever wondered why the national symbol is an eagle? I mean, well, it’s the national bird, but It’s not like it was a national cat. We don’t have a national- [Sly] Hey-o. [Carmelita] Wow, money. See? Capitalism. You’re contributing to the downfall of our universe, and you have to be exterminated. I have to kill you, or your friends will. Someone’s gonna kill you, either way. [Sly] You know what, fine. Why don’t you just take the whole capitalist machine down yourself with that one little pistol. I’d like to see you try! You rapscallion. [Sly] ♬ Yo, what’s up? I’m a scallion. And I’m here to say ♬
[Carmelita] Look. I can’t take it down with a pistol, but we can at least put a little lava in the gears, you know? Like- like sand in the gears, but- Lava in the-
[Sly] Lava in the gears… Oh God! [Murray’s minion] Ah, guess that’s me! Here I go! [Murray’s minion] Flying around!
[Carmelita] Curse you, birb! [Murray’s minion] Ah- wait. No? That’s not me, because I died.
[Sly] Whoa, holy shit! Good shot! [Sly] Why haven’t you ever shot me like that? [Carmelita] Because then you’d be dead. And I need you alive. Son, I need you alive. You can’t afford to die- it was a Hamilton reference. [Sly] Whoa, you’re my mom? [Carmelita] No. I’m… I’m your mom’s mom. I’m your grandmother. [Sly] Murray! George Washington is my grandma! [Bentley] (Murray) I know how it is. You see, Benjamin Franklin is actually my grandmother as well. We’re blood relatives, Sly. Like the textbooks didn’t tell you. Benjamin Franklin and George Washington… [Sly] Were lesbian lovers. I knew it! Hah! Slippidy slidey! Oof! [Charley] WAIT, WHAT?! [Birdman] So, it’s Sly Cooper! And now that I facilitated the switching of your friend’s bodies, and the cover-up of the lesbian relationship between Benjamin Franklin and George Washington, my plan is almost complete! [Sly] That sounds incredibly convoluted! What are you trying to accomplish?! This is insane!
[Birdman] I don’t have much of anything to do with my time, I’m very bored. [Sly] Well that sounds… Fine.
[Birdman] I figured I might as well do a lot of complicated, vaguely evil things. And hope it inconveniences you. [Birdman] Because I don’t like you very much, Sly Cooper! Arrgh… Here I go, I guess. [Sly] I killed him! [Bentley] (Murray) Yes, but you haven’t killed the truth. [Sly] Oh my God, the Truth! It’s the Truth! I knew it! What’s going on?! [Truth] That’s right Sly Cooper, I was the Truth all along! As we all know, the truth is lava proof! That’s absolutely how that old saying- [Sly] Of course! The Truth is lava-proof! You can’t handle the truth! I can’t handle the- I’m on a jetpack!
[Truth] Can’t- can’t handle lava either apparently [Truth] I mean that would hurt. Like, a lot. [Sly] Oh.
[Truth] Not me, because, y’know, I’m still… Still here. I’m still flapping around- about. [Truth] Here… [Truth] Still going. [Truth] Still go- okay, there I go.
[Sly] I got him! [Sly] So I finally did it. I destroyed the Truth. But what was there left? But to live a lie… Raleigh, Muggshot, Mz. Ruby, Panda King, The Truth… None of it was better than this fucking book-us. So I stood there on the edge of tomorrow. My friends, [Sly] betrayed me.
[Murray] That’s a good movie reference. [Murray] (Bentley) Hey! Heeey! What’s up everybody!
[Sly] So I tricked them into jumping into the lava. [Murray] Sly, push him. [Sly] I blew up Murray, and then forced him to drive off a cliff Bentley, I made join up- [Bentley] (Murray) I only create the Truth, and chat with random Korean people, and read maps. [Sly] It was all part of my plan all along… Oh. Hello, Theodore Roosevelt. [Carmelita] Yeah, speak softly and carry a big gun. [Mr. Brightside starts to play, but Bentley’s singing it] [Ryan] Oh, hell yeah. [Sly] I knew it. [Carmelita] You know nothing. [Carmelita] You don’t even know your own grandmother!
[Sly] It’s over, Teddy Roosevelt! [Sly] I have the high ground! See you later. [Carmelita] We’re on- [Carmelita] We’re on equal ground.
[Sly] (Whispering) Alligator. [Carmelita] We’re standing next to each other, and I’m- ♫ It was only a kiss ♫ ♫ Now I’m falling asleep ♫ ♫ And he’s taking a cab ♫ [Carmelita] Okay, well that just happened. Wait, no, fuck you! BITCH! [Sly] And that’s how I found out that Teddy Roosevelt was actually a kinky furry. Hah-ha! On to the next adventure!
[Penny] I mean, his name is Teddy. [Penny] It’s not really… that surprising. [Sly] So that puts an end to this chapter of the booki-us book-book. And me and my buddies are gonna do? Whatever we wanna do. I sustain myself in the part of the lineage of the “Who’s that guy?” and “Who are they?” Awesome? Great. I was here. Anyway. S…L…Y… I figured out that riddle! It was me. Bye! ♫ Open up my turtle eyes ♫ ♫ Cause I’m Mr. Bright- -Sly! ♫