(Leia’s Podcast theme plays)
Leia: And hello everyone. Welcome to Leia’s Podcast number seven. Can you believe it?
Seven podcasts! Who would’ve thunk it? And I still don’t have a clever title, well I don’t care. It’s groovy in it’s own way, you know. Hip. The kids like it. I don’t know. Whatever. Umm today I have, uh one of our recurring guests, our frequent guests uh a royal pain in my right butt cheek my twin brother Luke Luke: Hello! Hi! Oh, oops. Hello, hi.
Leia: Luke Skywalker Leia: I just thought I should actually use your whole name. Luke Skywalker, everybody! Luke: Hello, hi! Hello. Leia: How are you doing, Luke? Luke: Uh, I’m great! It’s a beautiful night and the stars are out and I’m happy. Leia: Are you ever not happy? Luke: Well, it happens occasionally, you know like after I cause catastrophic disaster, but otherwise I’m great. Leia: Oh, that’s good. Have you gotten over that now? Are you, um, are you feeling better? Luke: I feel like I kinda redeemed myself, so yeah. You know. It’s all good. How are you? Leia: Uh…I’m, I’m bored. And boring. (Leia cackles) Luke: Oh that’s right. I heard you stopped drinking. Leia: Yeah, what a bunch of horses**t that is, but yes. I’ve stopped drinking. Luke: Well, I haven’t had anything to drink tonight either, so this may not be as fun as the last time we were together. Leia: Yeah, well. We don’t need alcohol to have fun. We don’t need alcohol to be amusing, right? Luke: Sure. Leia: Yeah. We’re real confident. Anyway, so as some of you might know, myself and some of my fellow Resistance members except for Finn um, don’t like spoilers when it comes to movies. But unfortunately, I have a job to do. (Leia cackles) Unfortunately. (Luke cackles) Leia: So I went ahead and watched the teaser trailer for The Rise of Skywalker. Luke: Yeah, that’s why I’m here. Leia: Yes. You have risen to the occasion as a Skywalker. Luke: Ha ha. Leia: Heh heh, yes. See what I did there? Luke: That was…great. Leia: Right, so, uh as I was saying I don’t usually like spoilers, I like to go in completely fresh and just see what happens so I can be completely surprised. But uh, yeah. So I watched the teaser trailer and I was pretty happy with it. Luke: Yeah, I mean– Leia: I’m in it! Luke: Yes, yes you are. That’s great. Leia: I’m not dead. Yay! Luke: My voice is in it. Leia: I know! You’re not dead, either. Luke: Well, not completely. Leia: I mean, you are but you aren’t. Leia: You know.
Luke: Yeah. Leia: So, first of all I’ve gotta say did we not call the helmet rebuild, or what? (Luke cackles) Leia: We completely came up with that. We were just like, wouldn’t that be funny? And then it’s in the movie! Luke: I mean, granted it’s not him gluing it together with Elmer’s Glue, but it’s pretty close. Leia: I mean, come on! Who would, I mean, doesn’t he have like ten of those in his closet? I mean, really? It has to be put back together? That’s why we were thinking it was funny! Luke: I know, apparently it’s very serious. Leia: He’s very sentimental about that one. Really? Because the other one got blown up to bits in space. Luke: Maybe he had it with him in, uh I don’t know Leia: No, no, he dropped that s**t on the uh– Luke: On the bridge. Leia: On the bridge. We did not see him pick it up. he did not have it with him when he was all like “We’re not done yet!” Smack, smack, smack! What does he have it shoved up his ass? Where was it? Luke: (laughing) I don’t know. Maybe Hux grabbed it. Leia: Hmm. From the bridge? Luke: Yeah, sure. Leia: All that s**t was blown up and collapsing, no, no, no, no, no. He had a new helmet. But apparently, this new helmet he was extremely attached to it. Luke: I guess so. Leia: (laughing) For some reason. Do we…can we…um Did he have the same dents in it? Does anybody know? Luke: Uh, yeah. Let us know. You sleuths out there. Leia: Yeah, like the one at the beginning of this last movie, what the hell was it called again? Luke: The Last Jedi! Leia: Right, right, yeah! The Last Jedi. Did they try to make it look like his other helmet? Because that’s bulls**t. He shouldn’t have had it. Luke: Well, I mean we didn’t see him actually physically completely leave the bridge. He could’ve picked up the helmet and stuck it somewhere. Leia: Yeah, when he, when he put on his jet boots and like rocketed in front of them ’cause once again, how the hell did he get out in front of them? Luke: Jetpack Joyride! Leia: We didn’t see him take his helmet when he just materialized in front of them. So I’m curious. Did they try to make it out to be that he kept it? But so yeah, so okay. Trailer. He’s uh, someone is soldering his helmet back together. Luke: Someone with hairy hands if you look at it, you know on slow mo. Leia: Ew. (laughs) Luke: Some sort of creature. Leia: Also, speaking of helmets, what the f**k happened to Vader’s helmet? Does he not care about that anymore? Luke: Oh, I’m sure we’ll see it again, you know. JJ’s coming back. Leia: Right, he temporarily forgot to give a s**t about Vader. And now he’s gonna be like, oh that was my biggest problem! I forgot to be bowing down and worshipping your melted helmet! Luke: Well, remember in the second movie he’s kinda like “let the past die” you know, forget the Sith, forget this and that. Leia: Right. Now he’s like, maybe I’ve really gotta try to be an evil Sith lord. Luke: Now that the original writer and director is back. Leia: Right! (laughs)
Luke: (cackles) Leia: I could see the error of my ways. Someone get me my helmet. Luke: Oh god, you know I really hope JJ doesn’t–hasn’t come in and like what do they call it? Uh, what is that word? You know, where he goes back and pretty much erases everything Rian Johnson did. Leia: Um. Eradicate? (laughs) Luke: There’s a word. There’s a– retcon!
Leia: Reboot? Luke: They call it “retcon”. I think. And, uh, yeah. That would be lame. I mean, it’s not like everything he did in that movie was terrible. Leia: No. No. Not at– Luke: I mean there’s things that we were curious about in The Force Awakens that didn’t get resolved so I’d like to see some of that, but I hope he doesn’t go through and say well that was just a dream, so that didn’t actually happen, or– Leia: Oh no! No, we can’t just have that whole thing was just a dream. That would be lame. Luke: Yeah. Yeah, no one would stand for that s**t. Leia: No, no, no, no, no. So uh, yeah. If you’re going to end up regretting what someone else did then you shouldn’t have given up control to begin with. Luke: Yeah, exact–and I think he knew. He kinda knew what was gonna be happening, I mean uh, I don’t know. He was a producer, I believe. He must’ve had some say. If there was something he hated he would’ve gone, “Hey wait a minute.” “You know, we’re not gonna give you–we’re gonna fire you if you continue with this s**t.” Leia: Yeah, I don’t see it being that. I just hope it’s not all like suddenly you know, just like they have no genitals, and like they’re everything’s just sort of tied up in a neat little happy bow. Luke: Yeah, no. (laughs) No genitals. Leia: (laughs) You know, they’re just like happy or you know not–there’s nothing too unsafe. It’s not– It’s not too this, it’s not to that. They’re just like Barbie Dolls. Luke: Yeah, yeah. Leia: I hope it’s just not like super glossy. I think I said it before, but you know, I liked the Star Trek movies that came out but it felt that way, too. Like you know, things were kinda cute and you got like a little bit of some surface ideas, but then it all just kinda is like… I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. It just gets wrapped up a little too neatly and there’s not enough depth. Luke: Yeah, I hope he’s not afraid to get a little bit gritty. Leia: Yeah, let’s get a little grit, a little grit. It’s like the second movie had some grit, but then it also had some stupid s**t. Like, it had grit, but then it had the complete opposite of that too where as the first one was like more in the middle. Luke: You know what’s funny? I went back real recently and watched Return of the Jedi and I found myself skipping a whole lot that I never used to skip. Leia: You mean like when you were a child? Luke: Exactly. Like I didn’t even watch Jabba’s palace this time around. It was like, uh, let’s just get to where it gets interesting. You know, I go to see Yoda. That’s kinda like, okay we’ll start here and uh, skip the Ewoks and (Leia laughs) Luke: just get to where I’m trying to turn Vader. That was the part I really liked, but everything else was just kinda “bleh”. Leia: Yeah. Luke: So in that way I feel like, you know The Last Jedi kind of uh, it fit in with that sort of thing. Leia: Oh yeah, no. It’s not like–it’s not like all the originals were perfect by any means. Luke: And I know we’ve talked about this before but yeah you know we were children when they came out and we thought a lot of things were great that we think are pretty lame now. Leia: Or like you know, The Empire Strikes Back was never my favorite, but now it kinda is. Luke: Yeah, I think that’s the consensus of a lot of people, actually. Leia: Although, the first one is still my favorite, but the second one is like right up there, like very close. Luke: Yeah. Yeah it’s like–it’s kinda similar in that the second one had a little more grit. Leia: Yeah, it just didn’t have some of the stuff that was in this second one that, you know, bugs the s**t out of me. (laughs) Luke: Yeah, when I watch The Empire Strikes Back I don’t really skip a whole lot in that one. Leia: No. That one’s pretty good, you know, as far as all that. But um– Luke: I guess that’s the mark of a good Star Wars movie: how much of it do you skip? So, um, right, okay, so we’ve gotten as far as the helmet in discussion of the teaser trailer. Uh, Rey. Luke: Rey’s got some super powers. Leia: Yeah! She’s like leaping over a speeding craft. Luke: You know what’s great? I’m glad that JJ didn’t, like uh, flinch and back away from uh you know people “Oh, Rey’s too powerful! How’s she so power–” He made her more powerful! It’s great. Leia: (cackles) Well she’s been “imbued” uh, with the wisdom of all the Jedi, apparently? Uh, I’m guessing she’s been having seances with all of the ghosts, like with you and Yoda and you’ve like taught her everything since you didn’t ever get around to that when you were alive. Luke: I tried, but it didn’t go very far and uh Leia: No, and you got all like freaked out when she showed a bit too much power and she went, you know curiosity took her right to the dark side. Luke: Yeah, I tend to get freaked out with students, well especially then. You know, I’d been you know uh the old uh “once bitten” you know? Leia: Once bitten, twice runs away. (both laugh) Leia: Isn’t that how that goes? Luke: Something like that. Uh, oh yeah and uh the next movie, there’s gonna be a significant, well not, I don’t know how significant but like maybe a couple, three years have gone by since the previous movie. Leia: Right so she’s been training, obviously. Luke: Yeah, right. Leia: So she’s been uh meditating and training and learning the ways of the Jedi and um Kylo is either trying to kill her or is working with her there. We don’t know. Luke: Yeah, there’s a lot of people who think they’re training together. And I think, well that’s possible. One thing that makes me wonder is he’s not firing at her. Leia: Right. Luke: ‘Cause he could easily kill her. Leia: Are they going back to the, “You need a teacher!” Luke: Hey, wouldn’t that be interesting if he actually–if they actually. Well at this point they’re kinda on the same level. But they could probably teach each other some s**t. Leia: Mmm-hmm. Like, okay you. This is how you control your feelings when your feelings go out of control. So we would assume if they’re training together that they’re going after a common enemy. Leia: Yeah. Also we saw him slamming somebody who looked like they were wearing a robe type thing when I saw–when I watched it again. You know, when he’s fighting and he like shoves his fist into their chest or whatever. Luke: Yeah, I don’t know who that was supposed to be. Leia: I’m just wondering, ’cause like the Knights of Ren are coming back and they had that “hood” you know on Luke: I know, it made me think of that but then why are the stormtroopers there fighting with him if they’re going after his own guys? Leia: Or are they in the middle of a battle and he’s changed his mind and now he’s going after his knights to stop them or something, I don’t know. Or they know that he’s changed or that he’s switched, you know changed his mind? Are they supposed to be force-sensitive? We never knew. Luke: I would guess yes, but I don’t know why. Leia: Well, ’cause he’s the master of them and he’s force-sensitive. Some people have guessed they were some of the students from Lu– you know from you, from your academy. Like they went with him or something. Luke: Yeah, that’s possible. I have no idea, really. Leia: We don’t know, because none of that was explained. So– Luke: Unless they put some of that shit in the cartoons. Leia: Eh. Eh. Luke: I don’t think they have. I think if they did, someone would’ve said something by now, and they don’t wanna put anything in there that’s gonna spoil the movies. Leia: You wouldn’t think so! Um, yeah so who’s he fighting there and has he already turned? What’s going on? Of course we’re just assuming he’s gonna turn. Wouldn’t it be a real kick in the ass if he never did. Luke: Yeah, that would be a let down. There would be a lot of disappointed people. Leia: We see Lando flying the Falcon. Luke: Yeah, we don’t see a lot of Lando. We just see him flying and going “Weeheee! Ha ha!” Leia: Yeah, well I mean it is a very short teaser. They can’t show like a bunch of him. They’ve got other s**t to cover. Luke: Right. Speaking of going “woo hoo, wee hee” we see uh Poe on some sort of craft with Finn fighting. Luke: Yeah, Stormpilot all the way! Leia: Yeah, finally! (both laugh and cackle) Luke: Yeah, JJ knew. He knew better. If JJ were forced to do that casino s**t, he would’ve had you know If Poe and Finn were together– Leia: God, it would’ve been so much better.
Luke: It wouldn’t have mattered how lame the casino was because they’d be together and it’d be fun just to watch them. Leia: Yeah, they have chemistry! They actually do. They have chemistry together. Luke: That whole storyline would’ve been fine if it were those two together. Leia: And as we said before, we’re not, you know, we’re not slagging off Rose. Luke: No, no. Leia: We like Rose. We like her character, but she didn’t need to take over Poe’s part. Poe was supposed to be, you know, him and Finn together. Luke: She could’ve done the Poe thing. Leia: Yeah, and then it would’ve been two women kinda getting, you know, pissy with each other kinda thing instead of– Luke: Ha, ha, mud wrestling! Leia: Ah! Of course, we could’ve dropped that whole storyline itself and it would’ve been fine. Luke: Yeah, that’s true. Leia: I’m not a huge fan of the whole uh whatever her name was (laughs). You know, my buddy? Luke: Yes, Holdo. Leia: Holdo, yes. Not the biggest fan of that whole storyline. Luke: I don’t know if there were many people who were who said, “Yeah, you know my favorite part of the movie? The slow speed space chase.” Leia: “Slow speed space chase, and the casino and Holdo and all that was great.” Luke: That was so fun. Leia: “I wish it would’ve been just the whole movie would’ve been that.” Luke: “Yeah, if I could’ve cut anything out it would’ve been all that, you know, ‘Force Skyping’ and that throne room scene.” Leia: “Yeah, how lame was that?” (Luke chuckles) Leia: “You know like a bad ass battle scene in the throne room. Boring!” (Luke cackles) Leia: Alright, so we’ve uh, we’ve, we’ve got– we went over Rey and Kylo and the helmet and Lando, so… (Leia tries to impersonate the Emperor’s laugh and fails) Leia: That’s my Emperor laugh. Luke: Oh, I thought there was something wrong. I thought you were having like an attack or something. (Leia cackles) Leia: No! I’m laughing like the Emperor! Nyeh ha ha ha ha ahhh! Luke: Oh, I hear it now. (cackles) You wanna hear my Emperor laugh? Leia: Okay, okay. You do it. (Luke attempts to laugh like the Emperor and also fails) Leia: Okay, yeah. That wasn’t bad. (Leia tries again, and it’s equally terrible) Luke: Hey everybody, give us your Emperor– well I guess they can’t really do that, can they? Leia: Um…yeah. Luke: They’d have to type it out. Leia: (laughs) Nyeh! Rah, ahh, ahh, ahh, ha! Luke: Yeah, everybody in the comments type out your Emperor laugh. Leia: Yeah, we wanna SEE what your Emperor laugh would sound like. Luke: Would look like. Leia: No, I’m just, I’m making a funny there, Luke. Luke: Oh. Leia: We wanna “see” what it would sound like? You know. Luke: That’s funny? Leia: Oh, shut up! Who asked for your opinion? Luke: We wanna hear what it would look like. Leia: (cackling) Yeah. Oh god, now I just feel like I’m laughing like him all the time. (Both cackle maniacally) Luke: Everybody just clicked off the podcast right now. Leia: I feel like I was venturing into Mumm-ra territory. (Leia imitates Mumm-ra and Luke joins in to hideous effect) Luke: Yeah, different universe, sorry. Leia: Yes, yes, yes. So did we miss anything about the trailer that we wanted to talk about? Luke: Um, oh yeah the uh what’s with the Death Star remnants in that water? Which Death Star is that? Leia: When was that? I just watched the damn thing, but– Luke: It’s when they’re all in that field looking like a scene out of The Wizard of Oz. You know, you’ve got the Tin Man, and the Lion and Dorothy and (laughs) Leia: What the hell, am I blinking during that part? Luke: And they look out and then there’s uh, there’s the remnants of one of the Death Stars. Leia: Okay, oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Um. Hmm. Yeah, I don’t know. Luke: Everybody’s guessing that it’s the second one since you hear Palpatine laughing and everything. Leia: Right. But didn’t it completely explode? Luke: Yeah, it seemed– they both completely exploded, so uh, go figure. Leia: Oh right, so you mean like a piece of it got blown to god know’s where and landed on a planet? Luke: (laughs) I guess. And didn’t disintegrate on entry. Leia: Right. Yeah. Luke: You know, good old Star Wars making absolutely no sense scientifically. Leia: Yeah, don’t think about this too hard, and if you are a scientist or an engineer, just you know clench your teeth together and just go, “La la la la la. This is make believe. La, la, la, la, la.” And don’t think too hard about it. Luke: Yeah, scientists and engineers probably hate Star Wars. Leia: (laughs) Or at least they find it a little annoying. Luke: Yeah, yeah, it’s like– Leia: Like, “I’d love to appreciate this, but it pisses me off!” Luke: Imagine if someone tried to make Star Wars realistic, there’d be no sound (chuckles) when they fire their lasers. There’d be just silence. Leia: Uh huh. Luke: It just wouldn’t be the same. Leia: Nope. You just have to have the “pew pew”. Pew, pew, pew! Although, you know the whole ship going into light speed into the dreadnaught or whatever it was– Luke: I think yeah that was a little wink at everybody, like, “Yes, we know there’s no sound in space.” Leia: Uh huh. Yeah, it was like nothing at first and it was like whoa! And then it went kaboomey. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. Luke: Yeah, that was clever. Leia: Um Oh right, there’s that me looking at the medal. Luke: Right, or at least your hands holding it. Leia: Well, look, look, look Luke: Yes, I know, I know. Leia: They’re gonna have to do a bit of stuff and I’m happy with what we’ve seen them do so far, so Luke: Yeah I’m not gonna– you know now when I go back and look at Rogue One and the CGI Tarkin it looks really bad. It didn’t look that bad the first time, but it looks really bad now. Leia: They really needed to just use that sparingly. And not so much talking. Luke: Or just get a different actor who looks like him, you know? I mean what the f**k? Leia: I just feel like that first shot where you see him in the reflection, that was pretty cool. Luke: Yeah. Leia: But then use more Darth Vader for god sakes. He’s in a mask! Luke: I know. Yeah. Leia: He can look exactly the same! And you have the same guy doing the voice! Luke: Yeah, the voice may sound a little older, but eh, who cares? He has a cold or something. Leia: It’s just, yeah don’t rely so heavily on the CGI stuff, ’cause it’s never gonna hold up. Luke: Okay, we’re not gonna talk about Rogue One. I know nobody wants to hear about that. Leia: Now everyone clicked off. Or let’s start talking about Solo and then everyone will click off. Which is annoying, because I felt that one was much better than Rogue One. Luke: Yeah, I don’t get it. I mean, everybody just said how lame Solo was, but I’m like, you know what– Leia: I just think a lot of people didn’t see it, because they were like, “No, we’ve had enough.” “You’re oversaturating us with Star Wars, and we weren’t happy with Rogue One and now you’re doing another ‘story’ thing, you know just forget it!” Because like in the theater that we saw it in, it was full and there was lots of laughing and people applauded at the end. Luke: I know. Leia: They liked it! And I liked it. I don’t know, I saw it twice. Luke: It was a fun ride, but you know people had an attitude about it, anyway Yes, now they’re clicking off. Leia: Yeah. Nope, no, we just said we weren’t gonna and then we just did and we’ve lost everyone. Well you know what? (Luke cackles) Leia: I can talk about whatever I damn well feel like! Luke: This is your podcast. Leia: Uh, bitch. So I might come up with a shirt with that, uh you know, with me and that saying on it. Just saying. Little uh, little uh you know thought acorns. What the f**k am I trying to say? Just some little uh you know crumbs to throw out there and get people thinking. Luke: Some possible future Leia: Merch
Luke: Merch Leia: Merch, yes. Luke: We gotta find new ways to get money from people, you know. Leia: Yes, because We’re dying! No I’m just kidding. Luke: We’re not as broke as we were before Patreon. Leia: Well, yes. Thank god. That helped me survive during winter, but anyway No, I just, uh, I want us to make some merch, and uh we’re gonna put some stuff out there. Some things that might be fun for people, if you might like it. Luke: And since we’re talking commercials– Leia: Dah! Luke: What? Leia: (laughing) That wasn’t a commercial. Luke: Well, it’s kind of a commercial. Leia: I’m just talking about something that might be happening with our channel. It’s not a commercial. Luke: Well, I just wanna slip in a little, hey keep your eyes open ’cause there’s gonna be something kind of fun coming to Patreon, and it’s gonna be a Patreon-exclusive video, so yeah– Leia: But there’s also gonna be a little promotional period with that too that you don’t have to get a certain tier, that if you uh– any tier will have access to this special video, at least for a limited time. Luke: Keep your eyes open, kids! Leia: Alright, there, there. That was a commercial. But at least it’s an “us” commercial and not You know what? My teeth feel fuzzy. I need to brush my teeth and when I think of brushing my teeth– Luke: I think of a spoonful of sugar in my tea. Leia: (laughs) I think of just taking grains of sugar and rubbing them straight into my teeth. And then I get about three lollipops and just crunch them. I don’t even just like you know suck on ’em or anything I just crunch them deep deep down into all the crevices of my teeth and then I go to bed. Luke: That’s right! High fructose corn syrup sponsors our podcasts. (Leia laughs) Leia: Yeah, if we could get a sponsorship, not by high fructose corn syrup, but if we could get a sponsorship, eh I’d be up for it. I’m sellin’ out. This here is Leia from The Farce Awakens announcing that I’m selling out. Luke: Good for you. Are you gonna do prostitution and everything? Leia: Maybe! Luke: Oh! Leia: I’m gonna get some tassels and I’m gonna stick them on my hooters and swing them around and slap people across the room with them. Luke: Across the room? Oh, you’re gonna to send them flying across the room? Well, I’m uh, I shouldn’t be envisioning this. You’re me sister! Leia: Yeah, yeah. Cut it out! Luke: Alright, so getting to the end of the trailer with the maniacal laughter. Leia: Yeah. Luke: What do we think about that? What are your predictions for Mr. Emperor-patine? Leia: Um. I’m guessing his evil, um you know, Sith ghost or whatever the fuck is maybe gonna be trying to interfere Like if Rey was communing with the Jedi ghosts, maybe he’s trying to get in there too. Luke: Maybe in this movie we’re gonna find out how the dark side communicates after death. Leia: Maybe Snoke was just some force-sensitive guy who then got like possessed by the remnants of Palpatine after he died. And um he– and then now that the Snoke body is been killed, the remnants are out floating around. Laughing like an idiot. Luke: He’s trying to take over Kylo. Leia: God, can Kylo get a break with all this interference in his brain? I mean, if Snoke was going after him since he– oh and you know what, that would make a bit of sense though. If it was Palpatine who was Snoke ’cause he took over some guys body or whatever Luke: Right? Leia: Then he’s immediately going after Ben, and Ben of course is Vader’s grandson. Luke: Yes? Leia: So, and Palpatine’s all pissed off ’cause Vader threw him down the uh (laughs) Luke: (hard to hear) Ooh, does he want reve– Oh, I need to speak into my microphone and not into the phone. (both laugh) Luke: Sorry, folks. Leia: I need to speak into the microphone and not my fist! Luke: That, either. Leia: Or my armpit. Luke: Yeah, that too! What was I saying? Leia: Ooh, does he want revenge, because Vader killed him. So now he’s going after like future family of Vader? Luke: And it’s called The Rise of Skywalker, so– Leia: You know what else could be The Rise of Skywalker? Luke: Yes? Leia: Anakin Skywalker. Luke: Ohhhhhhh Does Anakin rise from the dead? (laughs) Leia: Well, does Anakin finally make an appearance to go, “Yo, Ben. That wasn’t me that was talking to you. I didn’t show you s**t.” Luke: And then all of a sudden he’s like, “Well f**k this s**t!” Leia: “Oh, great. I’ve been manipulated my entire life! So maybe I should ditch this side.” Eh, eh? Luke: It would be good if he actually, if he does turn and I hope he does, he does so completely on his own without anyone in his ear saying, “You know, you should turn, you should turn.” Like someone on the good side trying to lure him in and he just decides, “That’s it! I’ve had it!” Leia: Well, you know to me, it seemed like the final straw with Snoke was when he saw, or when he let it out that he was the one who like set up this whole at least we thought that that was, or even he thought it was this force connection between them. Like that was his doing? That’s when you see his eyes snap up and he’s like, “Oh no you didn’t.” Luke: I know! (cackles) Leia: So it’s like, that’s when he’s had enough. So if he finds out again that he’s been manipulated before like into thinking that his grandfather was telling him about the power of the dark side and he hadn’t ever done that– Luke: Yeah, it’s time to chuck this dark side and get the f**k outta there. Leia: Yep. ‘Cause he feels the light and it’s causing him pain, you know, resisting the pull to the light Luke: Yeah. Leia: He didn’t really talk about that much in the last movie, but remember he had it. He was being pulled to the light. Luke: Well, you know, Snoke pointed out and it’s true, in the beginning when he’s playing with his mind, but he’s playing with his mind with the truth you know saying that uh killing his dad, you know, split his spirit and– Leia: Right, and made him weaker and all that. Luke: So, he’s wrestling with it constantly. That’s why he’s always on the verge of tears and s**t. Leia: Poor Ben. My poor little wobbly chinned trembling lipped Ben. I just wanna give him a big hug and mommy kisses that he’d immediately flail and fight because you know how boys are. Luke: Yeah, you know this is like the only villain I can think of where it’s like you feel…you feel bad for him. It’s like you wanna help him. You want him…you want him to succeed. Leia: You want him to get his…you want him to get his head out of his ass and start doing something better! Luke: Normally you know, with a bad guy it’s like, well f**k you bad guy, but not with him. Leia: And you know, they did do that obviously with the writing, because they made him that kind of character, but um here to kind of break the fourth wall or whatever I must say that a lot of this is thanks to Adam Driver. Luke: Oh yeah. I mean, he’s– Leia: Like, he makes him very vulnerable and very three-dimensional. He is not just a one-sided villain by any means. Luke: And he’s hot. Leia: Ahh! Luke: But it’s a different– Leia: That’s my son! Luke: Oh, sorry. (both cackle) Leia: And that’s your nephew (laughs), you old creep! Luke: I thought we were breaking the fourth wall. Leia: I know we were, but even still I can’t continue with that when I’m talking like this. Oh, he sure is! What a hottie hotson! I just wanna reach my hand in his…bahhh! Luke: Yeah, you don’t have to go that far! (Leia cackles) Uh, yeah. I mean he’s like uh and he’s not a traditional “hottie” that’s what makes him so interesting he can look monstrous if he makes the right face, or he can look like– Leia: He can look like a little angel, you know the fallen angel who’s just broken and so sad. Luke: I know, so it’s perfect. I mean he’s got a very versatile face. Leia: (singing) And he knows how to use it! Oh no, we’ve just been demonetized. (both laugh) Luke: Way to go! Leia: Thanks, yeah. Thanks me! Luke: Are we done with talking about this teaser? Okay what’s uh– how do we generally feel? Do we feel optimistic going into this movie? Leia: I do. I saw the teaser and I went “Hey! Looks good!” Yeah, since you didn’t get to see a “Leia Reacts” that was my reaction, I was going, “Oh! Looks good!” Which, by the way, I wasn’t gonna watch it at all so I hope you all are happy with my diagnosis. Luke: Yeah, she broke her no spoilers rule just for you guys. Leia: Yep, but don’t expect that to continue, because– come on! Come on! Come on, let me enjoy my desire to be Leia: Surprised
Luke: Surprised Leia: as much as possible. Luke: Yeah, I’m gonna try too, ’cause I’m watching everything. Leia: Yeah, so this one’s gonna have diarrhea until December you know, from the valiant attempt of keeping your mouth shut! Luke: Yeah, it’s gonna suck! Leia: (laughs) Yeah, even as it is you’re like, “Oh someone said that…” and I’m like, “Stop it! I don’t wanna hear what someone said!” Luke: This is your job. You’re supposed to know these things! Leia: No, I’m not! My job is just to be Leia and that’s what I am, and Leia doesn’t wanna know. So there! Luke: There’s a lot of people who don’t wanna know. There’s you, there’s Rey, there’s Rose, there’s Poe, there’s Phasma. Leia: Yeah, wow. I mean, we’re all, we’re all in this together. (laughs) It’s not just one person’s opinion. It’s all of us. (‘They’re Coming To Take Me Away’ drum intro plays) Luke: Hey, do you hear that noise? It’s the happy home coming to take us away. Leia: Is that copywritten material? Luke: Oh you bet. I’m sure it is. Leia: Ha ha, hee hee, ho ho. That’s as far as I’ll go. Luke: Hey, that rhymed. Leia: (cackles) Yeah I know, I’m just spittin’ fire tonight. So, without further ado I am going to now list off the names of our newest patrons who tickle our fancies and–(laughs) Luke: This is sounding like it’s going in a bad direction. (Leia cackles) Leia: Who tickle our balls and give us all kinds of money and make us s**t our pants. Isn’t this charming? Luke: Aren’t you getting your money’s worth? Leia: Are you not entertained!? (stiffled chuckles) Wrong universe again, okay. Angelica H. Thank you, thank you very much. Luke: Thank you! Leia: LEN Nahmar Nahmar Nahh mar? Six-nineteen! Yeah! Thank you! Thank you very much. Luke: Thank you! Leia: Katie Marzullo Or Katie “Marzuyo”? Marzullo Thank you! Thank you very much, Katie. Luke: Thank you. Leia: Michelle Edwards! I thank you very much. Luke: Thank you for a simple name to pronounce. (Leia cackles) Leia: Tina Koyama! Thank you, thank you very much. We’ll get that sticker out to you soon, I tried to be fancy and I wrote Japan in you know the Japanese characters and it got returned! Luke: Yeah, it doesn’t work if you send it from the US I guess. Leia: Ugh! I–dah! Whatever. Carla Kelley! Thank you very much! Luke: Thanks, Carla. Leia: Sara Feu! Thank you, thank you! Luke: Thank you, thank you! Leia: PC! You’re an awesome possum and I thank you! Luke: (chuckles) Thanks! Leia: Sabrina Walter! Thank you. Thank you, thank you! Luke: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Leia: Alright, so once again, as always we thank all of our patrons– Luke: Oh, and, and, and, and I just wanna throw in there that our most expensive tier, The First Order which was twenty-five dollars a month has been reduced to fifteen! Leia: Yeah, I mean we just kinda threw that one out there just to be silly, but we actually did have several First Order patrons for a while. And so now you know we’re just like, there’s no need for it to be that much, come on. We’ll lower it down, so yeah if you want all the benefits of being an evil First Order member like listening to us ramble on like this once a month for exclusive live chats. Luke: Yeah, you can ask us questions and s**t and uh– Leia: Yeah, ask us whatever. Most people just listen to us yammer, but feel free to ask us questions. Luke: And it’s completely uncensored, unedited so you never know what’s gonna fly out of our mouths. Leia: I mean, we don’t even know! Luke: And you also get listed on our YouTube “About Page” as a sponsor! Leia: Yeah, that’s righty-roonie! (Luke cackles) Luke: No pressure, but it’s cheaper now so just so you know! Leia: The more you know. Brrring. You remember those? Luke: Oh yeah. I remember those. Leia: So anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my brother thanks to all of our patrons, we appreciate you so so very much. We like to be silly and irreverent but we honestly in the hearts of our bottoms appreciate you more than we can say. We also appreciate all of you on YouTube who watch our videos and listen to our ridiculousness. Luke: And you guys on Twitter and Facebook who like share our s**t and let other people know we exist! Leia: Yeah! That’s amazing! Yeah, like I’m the social media un-savvy person, so I don’t usually see that stuff, but I hear about it and thank you! Luke: Yes, we truly appreciate that. Leia: Yeah, spread the word! Spread the word of our insanity! Luke: Yeah, how long will it take us to get to 10,000 subs? Can you guys help us with that? Leia: Yeah, let’s have a goal! 10,000 subs! Leia: 10,000 subs!
Luke: 10,000 subs! Leia: Yes, let’s try to make it a goal to get 10,000 subs before– Luke: Before people lose interest in Star Wars altogether! Leia: I know, I was gonna say before the final movie comes out and nobody gives a s**t anymore! Can we do it, people? Luke: I think we can! Leia: Sure! Hmm. Luke: Hey, that’s a great attitude. Leia: (laughs) Alright, well.
(Leia’s Podcast theme plays) have a fabulous evening, morning, afternoon, whatever time it is when you’re listening to this. And until Leia Podcast number eight comes out have a fabulous life! Luke: Bye! Leia: Bye!