Articles

THREAD THE NEEDLE | ClusterTruck #8

September 6, 2019


*W’PSH* Top of the mornin’ to ya laddies! My name is jacksepticeye, and welcome back to ClusterTruck! Listen to the music. *low-tone techno* Oh yeah! It’s kinda muted, actually. But it should be louder, it’s louder in my ears, so it’s really cool. I love the music in this game. Right, let’s get in. We have the medieval section left to go. Now, when I played it before, this was the end, was like 50 levels and this was the end of the Alpha at the time. So, I dunno if it’s gonna go beyond this, if we do all 10 levels and there’s no more, I’ll go back and try and get some style points from the other things and see what the other unlocks do, but lettttts FRIKKEN’ PLAY! Ok, yes, you’re doing that again, here we go! YES! Oh god! Come on man… The whole fuckin’ game hitched and hotched and I didn’t know what was happening. OOOOH SHIT! AHH I’m fuckin’ dead in a million bits! I got tenderized by the big giant meat hammers! HIAH! HAH! Ok- AHH fuck. I’m getting dicked over by the big hammie hams. HEH! There we go, make it, MMMAKE IT! YEEESSSSSSS!!! Sons a bitches! Level failed?! I went through the goal, and spit all over my screen- That’s your fault! Distracting me, you were over there goin’
“JACK-IE! JACK-IE!” Normally I appreciate it, normally I’m all like, “YEEAAAHHH DUDES!” But this time, I’m like “STAHP IT!” Ok, now I’ll see what ones of these are gonna fuck up. Oohhh god! OHHH GOD Ah they’re all fucked up! AAAAAH! Dude! Nice, Gerald! You are my hero! You are the one that the stories and the songs will all be about! Not jackaboy. Ooo, did it not save me buying the jetpack? Oh it did, I just have 27000 again already. sthg- striking! I kinda wanna see the grappling hook. I dunno what that’s gonna be like. “Truck boost.” What is THIS supposed to be? “Boost the truck below the player.” I have no idea what that’s supposed to be. *gasp* I can get the D! Heh, “Disrespected blink, teleports the player.” and “Trucker flip,” I kinda want this one, “Let’s the player do some mad flips.” And Y’ALL KNOW that Jack is all about the fuckin’ FLIPS! FOR DAYS! From what I remember, these levels are not actually that hard. It was the laser ones that kinda dicked me over before! But these ones are the simples! “Ace 10 levels,” thank you, game. Really, like validating me. Makin’ me feel great for the abilities that I hAAAAAAAAaaave! Woah go! Ooohh GO! Yes! I smacked into the final barrier. It’s like if someone was doing a marathon, and they were runnin’ along grand, and all of a sudden, they boosted into the air and died on a platform at the end! And then you were like “Yes,” *clap clap* “they finished the race, good for them.” Ok, gettin’ there, gettin’ there! Who He! Who doesn’t get there gets square! That was weird, I glitched the whole game there for a second! wOAH MAMA! There’s fuckin’ bouncin’ trucks everywhere! Okay, I wanna land on one of the bouncin’ trucks! That’s the fun part, it’s when you hit the trucks that are bouncin’ *while laughing* around! YEEAAAHHH!!! WHEEEW! *laughing* That was the fuckin’ coolest! Oh my god, that’s like the stuff you see in the GIFs, for the promotional stuff for the game! Where there’s just trucks flyin’ everywhere and you’re bouncin’ off ’em. I LOVE IT! Oh my god, this game is fffuckin’ awesome! It’s- This game gets you so giddy and so hype! Look at this shit! SICK. NASTY. Still only got a 750 speed bonus. I thought I’d be gettin’ more. Ok. Wha- Oh! Fire. Fire! FIRE! FIRE’s bad! Fire burns! Ah! ooOo shit, shitty balls- AHH! Come on I had that! Ohhh kay! Ohhh kay! Ok, that one was fine I take- I take blame for that one. *chuckles like Markiplier* Ah shit, I did it again. Ah sh- fuck! *laughs* Ok GO! GO! GO! GO!
Go Slowbro go! bAH Shit. YAAS! HAHA! Right, what level are we on next? Five of seven, okay, we have th- 3 more levels to go? Oh, shit. WhOOOHAHAHAT? That’s new! I don’t think I did that one before! Oh shit, go. Go- Oh the fuckin’- the HAMMERS A JUSTICE ARE COMING! AAAAAH! There’s trucks still here! GO! Fuck it! I messed up my double jump. Ohhh you *sassy lisp* sneaky sneaky snake! Imma do it! Imma do it and Imma- *sigh* Imma look cool while I do. Boing! *Patrick Star* BOOING! BOING! Bounce bounce! Tigger! Could you bounce me a little fuckin’ better than that? Ya sssack a nipples! *laughs* It bounced me through the fuckin’ truck! Ok, we’ll wait for them to bounce then- Perfect! Nailed it! Thanks bro! I’m never gonna be able to fuckin’ do this again. Ok. THERE we go! Thank you! Nice, now go! Just fuckin’ go, just go! *like a truck horn* MAAAKE IT! What the fuck? What? Oh my god that was AWESOME! HA! Oh! Oh, You need a little nipple twinge for that one! Uh, “Main Menu,” what can we get? Ah, I can get the sick flips. “Freezes all trucks,” “SuperTruckSuperTruckSuperTruck” Ohhh. That’s only a thousand to unlock We already did “Supertruck” though, that’s *SUPER HOT* SUPER! TRUCK! SUPER! TRUUUCK! So, we’re not doin’ that again. Uh, “Epic Mode, makes the game Super Epic. All points earned are doubled while in Epic Mode.” *Slavic techno music?* I think that’s the one we need to get, we need 10000 more points and then we get Epic Mode, and then we can go back in and get all the points even EEEasier the second time thru. This feels oddly familiar. WOAH! Nevermind! Nevermind! Oh, shit is fuckin- Goin’ down! WAH NELLY! Holy hell that was awesome! That was really quick! Ok, I’m not doing any mad sick flips though, or any tricks. Yah eh, fuck ya! Fuck ya! NO! Don’t do it to me! NAAAAH I didn’t want it! When I say I don’t want stuff, then don’t do it to me! n- woah WOAH JESUS! I got smacked by a truck! I mean… It stands to reason that that’s what I would get smacked by in a game like this. *gruff sailor* Boy, why do I do it every time? I don’t know why. I- eh- th- science can’t answer that question. *audibly sucking through teeth* NopeNopeNopeYESSS! Woooo! NAH-! *laughs* I thought I had it and then it fucking took the truck from underneath me. OhhhKay *sucking* *grunt* Through the fire and the flames! I don’t like it. Music’s fucking sick! Ok, TakeItEasy, TakeItEasy, TakeItEasy, Ohh there we go. There we- Oh, NoNoNoNoNo! No! WOAH! That was awesome! Isn’t that the level that if you don’t get through in time the gate closes and then you’re fucked? Oh, I do not want to get screwed-oh. Ok, let the hammers fall. Let the hammers fall where they may! Ah Imma do that better! I can do better than that! I AM better than that! I am the best! FUCK!!! YEAAAA!!! HA HA HA HA! Holy Nelly! Oh! That is so awesome. Whaaaat? Oh Jesus. Oh why? Why do you do this to me? *singing Untitled by Simple Plan*
How could this hap-? HAWH! OhhKay, Imma do it better. Faster, better, harder, stronger. You guys didn’t trigger the first time! Hashtag Triggered! Don’tDoIt, Don’tDoIt, Don’tDoIt, Don’tDoIt, Don’tDoIt!
Don’t do it! mmhn- YEESH! Ok, just go fast. and THEN do it! Boostie-Rooney! Oh baaaaaalls! Imma go down here with you guys! I wanted to see what the situation was, I wanted to see what was going on, I wanted to see what all the cool kids were doing… on Saturday nights instead of playing VIDEO GAMES! Who- Who am I kiddin’? The fuckin’ coolest people these days play video games. HYAN HA! Ok, go down this way. That almost didn’t work well. ba-*pffwwpt* I had a bigger fuckin’ chance of hitting a truck than anything else, an’ I still fucked it up! Hoo! HOOOO! BOY! Yeah! *air guitars to music* Woo! I got this… I got this… I got this… I got this! I got it! Yes! Left and right doesn’t move ya all that much, but up and down does, and it’s kind of annoying. Oh shit. Oh shit! HO! *French accent* Shitty shitty. There is more! “Ancient!” Hell yeah! Let’s fuckin’ do it. Oh wait, I kinda remember this. No, I’ve never played this before, have I? I don’t think soOOoohohoho! YEHS! And then hup! And a huhp! Oh, land on it! YEAH! Oh shit, this game is FUCKING AWESOME! I love it! I love it so much! Double jump, yehas! Ace it, ACE IT! Did I do it? Ace it? Ace it. YAaAhAce it. Haha. 52000, ok, “main menu.” Um, “Abilities” and… what was it? “Makes it epic.” Ok, I dunno what that does. I don’t have a time slow downey-rooney now. But I should be gettin’ double points. “Right click to make the game epic.” Ohhh, it says “Actual In-Game Footage” on it. *laughs* Okay, let’s do this shit. *makes intense drum rhythm* *laughs* That makes it like an action movie, that’s fuckin’ cool. Yes! Ah but it’s really fuckin’ hard! Ug! Yegh! I’m gonna trigger it here, because I get air time. Ugh, heh! Oh god, oh god! Yes! HUNH! Epic- D’oh, I had it! What did you do? Actually it was you! *smack* Damn hand! *intense drum rhythm* fuUCK! Yeah bro! *tires squeal* What’s happening?! Woah, that was fuckin’ freaky! Hah! and a heh! YES!!! YEAH!!! I don’t know if I like Epic Mode, I thought it was just make-the-game-epic, like nonstop, but that does not seem to be the case. Okay, ohkay, ohkay! OKAY! I could- Oh wait till you see what I’m about to do. I’m about to do like the craziest shit. You’ve seen crazy shit before, not like this. Not like this crazy shit- oh. Oh. I can fuckin’ make that! I swear I can! I can do it. *jungle drums play* *duh duh’s to the drum rhythm* *duh duh’s intensify* YESSSS! Ha! *sings* Suck on all my anus! That was awesome. Right, let’s go. Let’s go bro! Oh god, there’s trucks falling down on top of me. Fuck yeah! That was fuckin’ cool! Sick nasty! Careful. Careful! CAREFUL! *laughs like a crazy person* Oh! Am I gettin’ a lotta points? I should be. Yeah, I’m at fuckin’ 9000 already, I’m the best. Not really, but if- the more you saying it, the more you’ll start believing it. And I need it… for some *sings* COURAGE! HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, my face was frozen there for the longest time! So cool. Right, let’s do it, I am feelin’ this. Are you feelin-? Oh god that was weird. Are you FEELING it?! Come on, put your hands up to the screen. Put your hands up, to the screen, and tell me, that you are feeling it. Hell yeah you are! Who wouldn’t be feeling it on a fuckin’ time like today? *sings High School Musical* We’re all in this together! Awh yeah! Got the extra fuckin’ jump! Oh shit, Oh shit, Oh shit! Haaa! I am feelin’ really good right now. I swear, I could do 14 cocaines, and I wouldn’t feel this good. “10 seconds airtime.” That’s what I do! They call me “10 Second Airtime Jack!” Oh shit, Oh Shit! They also call me FFFlapjack, for the amount of BULLSHIT that I do. Actually, for the amount of times that I never stop flapping my jaws, while I talk. That makes sense, right? That was a good joke, right? Of course it was, best joke. Ahhh! Shit! Shit, d- KEEEEEEP JUMPIN’! Doon’t just jump once and then be like “eh, nah, I’m done” Ya gotta keep jumpin’ a lotta times! Oh Jesus, all those trucks got fucked. down Down Down! YES! Have any more Epic Time left? I fuckin’ do. EPIC MEAL TIME Bro! Now go further, go further… YEHAH!!! GIMME THE END ALREADY! Ohh shit. Oh shiiit. Dah! That one JUST exploded! I had that! YOU SAW IT! I picked it up in the fuckin’ aisle, and I was like,
“Oh, I got this.” And then I was about to cash out, what happened? Dickitry. It’s always dickitry. Ehyes! *Home Improvement grunt* What did I get killed by? Son of a bitch. C’mon, I should’ve got points for that, I jumped off a flying truck. Oh shit, oh shit balls. HA HAHA! just take it easy, take it easy, No more shoutin’! no more yellin’ just normal shit is happening right now. *sharp whisper* YES! *whisper* yes! *speaking softly* no more yelling, shhh. *whispering* ok, shh, shhhhhhh. fuck. fuck, I’m scared! Shhhh… Shh… it’s fine, everything’s *angrier* fine! *softly but angrily* everything’s fuckin’ good! *SHOUTING* EVERYTHING IS TASTY!!! Ohh… It- It was touch and go there, for a second not having to yell? That was scary. Dat sum scurry shit. But we got fuckin’ epic time. *jammin’ out to drums* I love it. Right, what’s up next? Whatchu got for me game? Whatchu got for me game? You ain’t got shit! You ain’t got shit bro! Look at this skills that I have. Air time for days! Oh god, I’m fuckin’- Is this called Inception or something all of a sudden? Oh god, it’s gonna make me vomit! *drum sounds* That wasn’t a whole lot of tricks or anything, but still- it still felt decent. Oh! We’re almost finished this area. Niiice. I still wanna get more abilities though. I’m not gettin’ any extra points. WHAT THE FU-?! I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THAT!!! Woah! Okay, I’m supposed to go over to the left then, I’m guessing. Ah shit. *laughs* I AM, but not yet. Ok, right at the last second… *dah dahs Indiana Jones theme* That was AWE-SOME! Ok, where am I goin’? I’m goin’ left again. Oh, come on, fuckin’ Pillars of Doom. I do not wanna mess with you. hhhHA! YesYesYesYesYesYes YES!!! Ok, keep goin’, keep goin’, we’ve gotta get ahead. Oh shit, there’s only one truck to land on! AND HE FUCKIN’ STICKS THE LANDING! He stuck it like sticky toffee pudding! It was delicious. Umm… “Abilities.” Whaaat was I gonna get? “Sick Flips,” yes. Oh that gets rid of my- yeah… It gets rid of my double jump. Wher- Where’s my sick flips? I- I- I dunno wha- I dunno what’s happening. Makes it sound like there’s sic- OH GOD I gotta go through the fuckin’ BOULDER?! Makes it sound like there’s sick flips happening. OOOOohhhhh. I don’t want that, it means that *ugh* you’re, like, kickflipping the trucks, like a- a-
a skate board. No… stuff is still not as good as my- my double jumps. I’m not feelin’ anything else. How in the Fuck? Do I get- Do I just have to wait? Ok, let’s wait for this, see what happens… That goes down, and that goes down… Oh my god- Through the hole at the bottom?! Ah, come on, this is fuckin’ hard! *desperate screech* Ah jeez, the- any sorta smack on the wall fucks you up! Ok, let’s just wait here… That’s so hard. Ok, I’m gonna wait on this one… aaaaand… Go! Oh Jayesus Christ! AND ANOTHER ONE?! WHAT THE FUCK?!!! This is so hard!
{That’s what she said} Hah! Okay, okay, okay, OKAY. cht- th- What the fuckin’ JESUS? I didn’t even SEE the one on that! Maybe I have to go backwards… Ah Shih-hit! I can do it! Believe in me. Hands up to the screen, there you go. There you go, feel the- *slightly Asian* feel da powah. I do have to fuckin’ go backwards. DAAAH!!! EpicEpicEpicEpicEpicEpic, Epic Meal Time, EPIC SAUCE! KEEP GOIN’, KEEP GOIN’! KEEP GOIN, Oh please, Oh please, It’s all I want! YES!!! Ah I sat on my own balls! *laughs in pain* *while laughing* Owww… *while laughing* Owww… Ok, I’m gonna leave this one here, Ohhhh Let’s not talk about it.*laughs* Ok, um- There’s another world! “World 7, Sci-Fi.” Man I’m glad I came back to this game, there’s so much more to it than what I played previously. *claps* Awesome, love this game to bits. I keep saying that after every episode I do, but I really do. This is so much fun. Um, that last level was bullshit though. Tryna fuckin’ jump through rocks and all that shi- Don’t pull that on me again, game! Don’t do it, don’t do- I don’t want it. *OUTRO* Anyway, thank you guys so much for watching this episode. If you liked it, PUNCH that Like button, in the FACE, LIKE A BOSS!!! aaand, *seductively* high fives all around W’PSH! W’PSH! But THANK you guys, and I will see all you dudes… IN THE NEXT VIDEO! You guys had- hiding any teeth under the pillows for the fuckin’ tooth fairy? ‘Cuz you know she gives like $400k these days for each tooth that falls outta your head. It’s a mad, lucrative business, being a tooth fairy. Why is there just fuckin’ pizza boxes? *Eastern European accent* Can you feel sexy beat? Feel good in balls, make you dance! Jiggle butt.

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